The Sound of Silence
by hopeisabluebird
Summary: AU AH Carlisle and Esme keep foster children in an attempt to bring healing into their lives. When Bella comes, she's able to help without ever having to say a word... BxE
1. Chapter 1

**A/N I've read a lot of "abuse" fics, and I frankly have not been impressed. I decided to do one on my own, and it's a little bit different. It does not focus on pain or melodrama or violence. If that's the kind of fic you like then you might not prefer this one. I decided to focus more on the healing after the abuse. **

**In the process, I have pulled selections from two songs and one essay and incorporated them into the story. If that's confusing to the reader, then I apologize. It will make more sense by the end. I've tried to differentiate them to help by using different fonts. The first is the song "Sound of Silence" by Simon and Garfunkle. The essay is from Frederick Buchner's book "Beyond Words." The last song is called "Mad World" by Gary Jules. **

**Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight. **

**Within the Sound of Silence**

**Chapter One: A Home**

­­­­­­­­

_Hello darkness, my old friend_

_I've come to talk with you again…_

______________________________________________________________________________

Carlisle would argue, but he knew the truth.

The world is unfeeling.

He barely remembered his parents. They died when he was very young. What kind of universe would take a child from his parents?

He sits on the couch, not moving, never moving… wanting to pound the wall in frustration. But he doesn't… because he never shows his frustration and anger. It builds inside of him anyway.

He looks furtively around the living room. His family was watching a movie together – "together" being perhaps a loose term.

If he was silent and unable to say out loud what was inside his head, then the others were too.

_____________________________________________________________________________

_Nothing for breakfast. A diet soda for lunch. Maybe a little lettuce with low-calorie dressing for supper. Or once in a while, when everybody has gone to bed, a binge on ice cream, which you get rid of in the bathroom later. Relentless exercise. Obsession with food, cooking great quantities of it for everybody except yourself…_

______________________________________________________________________________

His parents were snatched from him. The same was not true for the other kids Carlisle and Esme sheltered.

Rosalie and Jasper were twins. They lived with their parents in Mexico City because of their father's prominent job in the oil industry. Their house was attacked one humid, clear evening by an anti-American mob sparked by political unrest in the region. Dozens of Americans were killed. Their parents were murdered. Rosalie was raped. Jasper was out of the house at the time and returned to find his family torn apart in a house that was torn apart. He lives in silent guilt because he does not understand why he was spared …

The world is also irrational.

Alice was abandoned by her mother, who couldn't understand, and finally couldn't live with, her daughter's dreams. Alice is perhaps the strangest and yet sanest of them all. She only happens to have dreams at night which sometimes come true, if one believes her. And yet, she somehow manages to dance through the house intent on living through the present moment until her visions greet her. They're like old friends that she is waiting impatiently to meet again…

________________________________________________________________________________

_All around me are familiar faces  
Worn out places, worn out faces  
Bright and early for their daily races  
Going nowhere, going nowhere…_

___________________________________________________________________________

Emmett would say that the world is mad.

He came from the mountains of Tennessee, abandoned because he was the final straw in a family that had birthed one too many final straws. Emmett's is the story that Edward least understood.

Emmett was like Alice – strong, resilient, cheerful, whole. He managed to shine an innocence even when surrounded by the filth and mud of his parents' trailer park dump. He cannot understand why two people like them would be abandoned.

His mother's story is typical for those mountain regions. Pregnant at fourteen. Ninth grade school drop-out. Married her druggie boyfriend. Had a kid a year until she finally overdosed on crack and who knows what else. Emmett tried to take care of his younger brothers, but just couldn't do it. He had to watch them all scatter to the four winds … to relatives … foster homes …

_Because a vision softly creeping,_

_Left its seeds while I was sleeping…_

______________________________________________________________________________

Carlisle and Esme take in the difficult cases, the teenagers no one wants – the ones moved from home to home so often that they stop unpacking their bags. And somehow… somehow… they _try_ to provide healing in their home.

Carlisle does it because he was abandoned by his father many years ago and never wanted another child to feel that lonely again.

Esme has never told why she does what she does so willingly. But he saw the scars on her back once. And he can see the things in her eyes that never quite make it to her mouth. Esme was hurt too. He doesn't know when or by whom, but he knows she has experienced similar pain.

But Esme does was she does not because of her past, whatever that past might hold. Esme does it for love. Esme is moved by love.

Despite Carlisle's compassion and Esme's love, he wonders if the five _can _be healed. They live around each other, occasionally crossing paths, never really able to reach beyond the silence to the real problem.

But if anyone _could_ heal Edward, Rosalie, Jasper, Emmett and Alice, it would be Carlisle and Esme.

_In time, you come to look like a victim of Dachau – the sunken eyes and hollow cheeks, the marionette arms and calfless legs… If you are told that your life is in jeopardy, it makes no difference, because not even dying is as fearsome as getting fat, a view that the combined industries of fashion, dietetic food, and advertising all endorse. In every respect but this, you may be as sane as everybody else. In this, you are mad as a hatter…_

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	2. Chapter 2

**Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight. **

**Chapter 2: The Phone Call**

Esme and Carlisle had told Social Services that they really couldn't take in another teenager. Although Emmett and Alice were doing a bit better, they felt as if they were just now making strides with Rosalie and Jasper. They were convinced that the two needed some more time before any further stressors were added to their lives. However, the phone rang one evening with another social worker on the line.

"Hello," said Esme.

"Yes, I understand… But, you see, we have five right now… Oh no… Bless her heart…"

Esme was silent for a long time, listening to the social worker's sob story. He was a little annoyed at the worker's ability to play on Esme's heart strings so easily. Esme was too softhearted for her own good.

"Well, I suppose that we could put her in with the girls…. I really should call Carlisle and check with him first. When will she be here? … All right… I should be able to let you know in an hour…. Okay… Goodbye."

Esme hung up the phone and turned around. He lifted his eyebrows questioningly.

"That was Mrs. Cope. They have another girl that they'd like for us to keep. She's… well she has some problems that need individual attention. Mrs. Cope knows that we have five right now, but everyone is doing so well, even Rosalie, that I thought maybe we could take Isabella in, too. She needs us."

"Isabella?" Alice asked. She had just walked into the kitchen with Emmett and overheard Esme's final sentence.

"Yes," said Esme. "She's another foster child that we might take in. I need to call your father and check with him before I call Mrs. Cope back, of course. It's an unusually difficult case, and I want to make sure he's up to it."

"Oh, you know if she's hurt then Carlisle will be up to it. He can't resist anything that gives an appropriate puppy-dog face," said Emmett cheerfully.

"Emmett, be serious!" said Alice giggling. She smacked Emmett's shoulder, even though he stood at least a foot taller than the tiny Alice. Emmett picked up Alice, threw her over his shoulder and turned to Esme again. Alice laughed and beat his back with her tiny fists until Emmett put her down.

"Umm… What's wrong with her?" Emmett suddenly looked a little nervous, probably remembering some of Rosalie's more violent rages before she settled down into her present state of uneasy coexistence.

"Well, Mrs. Cope said that she's very nervous around people…. She doesn't like to be touched… And she doesn't talk," said Esme sadly.

"At all?" asked Alice in shock. Esme shook her head.

"What happened to her?" Emmett barked out at the same time. Edward could see that his protective instincts were in full bloom, but he could tell from Esme's eyes that she would not answer him. Esme believed in protecting the privacy of all her kids. Both she and Carlisle preferred for them to tell their own stories.

He could see though that she had the same kind of sadness in her eyes thinking about Isabella as she had whenever she thought about Rosalie.

"I should really call Carlisle. Alice, would you get Rosalie, please, and Emmett would you go get Jasper? I want to talk with everyone when I'm finished with Carlisle."

He followed Alice outside. Rosalie was tinkering beneath the hood of Esme's car. He stood back and watched as Alice danced around Rosalie.

_Their tears are filling up their glasses  
No expression, no expression…_

___________________________________________________________________________

The scene before him faded way as he started to think intensely. He had always been able to slip easily into his memories…. It helped him deal with the anger that threatened so constantly to overwhelm him. Alice once told him that he lived in the past the same way that she lived in the future… He didn't know whether that was true or not….

He remembered when he first came to Esme and Carlisle those many years before. He remembered how he watched everything around him. He remembered how he discovered that he could … read … the thoughts of others around him …. through the emotion that showed in their eyes.

Eyes are so easy to read, if one is willing to pay attention.

Each of his siblings presents different difficulties for his gift. For instance, Emmett is unusual because he does whatever his eyes think, so Edward never really had to practice reading his eyes.

Alice is sometimes hard because he can never tell if he's reading the present or the future in her gaze. She usually tells him if he asks though.

Usually.

Carlisle's are perhaps the easiest for him to read. He's so sincere that his deepest thoughts shine without there being a mask across his eyes.

Esme is the same way, even though he knows she hasn't told everything. But while she keeps her own secrets, what she feels about all of the kids in her care shows so easily it's almost like they're written in neon lights on her forehead.

Jasper is the hardest for him to read… He intentionally tries to hide what he's thinking. It's almost as if there's an opaque film across his eyes. They're not blank… just inscrutable…. Edward can sometimes catch a stray thought here and there, but it's never been enough for him to feel like he knows him…

Rosalie is just … different.

He's not really sure Rosalie _was_ thinking very much when she came at the beginning. As soon as she crossed the door he could see that she was violently angry, and that she feared her anger because she didn't fully understand it. She was like a cornered animal, lashing out on pure instinct alone.

But he saw the questions in her eyes the same way Jasper saw the fear in her shaking hands.

He thinks that Jasper reads people like he does. His gift is to see through the eyes … but he doesn't know how Jasper reads those around him…

Esme's respect for privacy has become a sacred law in the house – and while he thinks the idea is good in theory, it has exasperated the silence in which everyone lives – and he never felt that he could ask Jasper why he watches those around him so carefully….

_And the vision that was planted in my brain_

_Still remains_

_Within the sound of silence…_

_________________________________________________________________________________

Edward vividly remembers when Rosalie first came.

She had barely dropped her suitcase to the floor before she was screaming and throwing things, raging at Esme and Carlisle for telling her what to do – pushing them away before they could send her to the next home, instinctively feeling that offense was the best defense….

Rosalie feared what she would feel if they pushed her away and hurt her just like everyone else. And she hated herself for pushing them to do exactly what she feared. Fear, shame, and hatred were wrapped up so tightly in her that he's surprised she only threw things.

It also became very obvious in the wildness of her motion that Rosalie was sick as well. Her arms were like sticks, and her sunken cheeks flamed with feverish spots of color that stood out against her too pale skin. He could also see the deep scratches crisscrossing her arms through the thin fabric of her t-shirt.

The fight started because she refused to let Carlisle take her to the doctor for a check-up.

"It's _my_ body!" she kept screaming over and over, her too-thin arms slashing the air for emphasis. "_My_ body!"

It was in that moment, as he saw the conflicting thoughts in Rosalie's eyes that he _knew_ that she both loved and hated her body… and herself…. She loved how powerful her beauty made her feel… so in control. Men fell before her. She was a queen, and she knew it.

And yet she hated that same body … hated it because it was so weak, so able to be over-powered by those same men who were physically stronger than she could ever be. She knew that it was a tenuous power that she held, one that only worked if men were in awe of her. If that awe faded, if their lust overcame reason … then there was no way she could win.

So by starving herself and cutting her arms, she got back at her body in the only way she knew how. She tried to kill the power that she held, because she hated weakness. That power was weakness. At the same time, she knew she was destroying the only weapon she had. Without it, she was utterly defenseless.

She couldn't stop because by behaving the way she was she could kill two birds with one stone. She could be in control of her own body… of her own life… hell, even of her own destiny if she managed to kill herself in the end, which might have been her purpose all along…. But by being in such firm control, she also punished the very beauty of the body that had caused all the problems to begin with.

And Jasper? Jasper had to sit and watch his sister self-destruct because there was nothing he could do to stop her.

He could see that Edward understood, though. They talked with Carlisle and Carlisle began giving her other things to control… She fixed all the cars… she cooked dinner…. She helped Carlisle with the household finances…. She found peace working with her hands, working with things that could be maneuvered and controlled the way she wanted them to…

And yet never once was she completely honest with them. Never once did she say "I need help" … "I need to be myself" … "I am afraid" … I am angry" … "I am in pain" … "Hear me" … "Help me" …

He had to guess at what was causing her pain… My God, he had to _guess_….

It terrified him to think of what might have happened if he had guessed wrong… if he had interpreted her actions in some other way ….

_Anorexia seems to be a modern disease, but old phrases like "pining away" and "wasting away" suggest that it may have been around unnamed for a long time. Nobody seems to know what it's all about, though there are endless theories. Young anorexics want to strike free of parental control, they say, and where does it assume a more elemental form than in "take a bite for Mummy, a bite for Daddy"? So that is where they draw the battle line. The more desperately they are urged to eat, the more desperately they resist. Their bodies are their last citadel, and they are prepared to defend them literally to the death…_

_­­­­­­­­­­­­­­__________________________________________________________________________

He heard the rich tones of Rosalie's laughter mixed with Alice's light giggles. He could see her arms under her rolled-up sleeves. The cuts were still there, but they were finally beginning to scab over and heal. Her cheek bones were filling out around her strong features.

"Rose!" Alice called. She ran up and wrapped her small arms around Rosalie's waist.

"Be careful, Alice!" laughed Rosalie. "I have grease all over myself!"

"We might have a new sister coming to stay with us," said Alice. She spun around the garage. "I have a feeling I'm going to like her a lot," she said contentedly.

Rosalie looked surprised and slightly apprehensive…. and possibly jealous.

He narrowed his eyes and studied her.

"More than you like me?" she asked with a tight smile.

Alice looked surprised and said, "I could never like anyone quite like I like you, Rosalie, because you're the only Rosalie I know!" Delighted with her logic, Alice started flitting around the garage again.

"Rosalie, if she comes, don't you dare make trouble. She sounds like she needs us. Don't hurt her," he said.

On the best of days her mind is a jumble. He didn't even want to _try_ to guess why she would be jealous right now.

"I'll have you know I'll be perfectly kind," said Rosalie angrily.

But he could see the faint whisper of shame around her eyes.


	3. Chapter 3

**Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight. **

**Chapter 3: Bella**

Esme was just getting off the phone with Carlisle. She looked at him, and he could see that Carlisle had said yes. Her eyes had a kind of golden honey rim whenever she was happy.

"Rosalie, Jasper, as I'm sure Alice and Emmett have told you, Carlisle and I are going to be keeping a new girl with us. Her name is Isabella Swan. She's fifteen, the same age as Edward and Alice."

Esme paused and then spoke her next words carefully.

"We're going to have to all be very careful around her. She's very distrustful and afraid of people, from what Mrs. Cope said, and it's difficult to communicate with her because she doesn't talk. She came into the foster care system not speaking, so Mrs. Cope is unsure of when she first stopped. She has been taken to a doctor, and the physician assured Mrs. Cope that there was no physiological reason why she cannot speak, which forces us to assume that it is because of her past. Because of this I find it very unlikely that she will tell you her story herself. Mrs. Cope has told me a little of it, and I can understand why it would be painful for her to speak of it," finished Esme.

Esme had started out talking very calmly, but by the end of her little speech there were tears in her eyes, and the happy little golden rim around them had vanished.

"Much as I hate doing this, I think I need to tell all of you a little bit of her story, just so each of you will be prepared. Suffice it to say that Isabella's father died many years ago. Her mother is in prison right now after killing her stepfather, who apparently was quite abusive. Mrs. Cope told me that her mother could be a poster girl for battered women," Esme said with the faintest edge of bitterness in her voice. "She allowed herself to be beaten over and over until one day she just snapped."

Esme stopped suddenly and then continued, "There is evidence that Isabella was abused herself, so I wanted to ask each of you to take care in your actions around her. Make sure your movements are non-threatening and slow. Do not try and touch her unless she initiates," said Esme.

Everyone shifted a little uncomfortably on the couch. He was feeling a little nervous. Even though they had all come from horrible situations, no one except Rosalie had been abused, and Rosalie certainly hadn't been abused on a long-term basis like it appeared Isabella had been.

"Mrs. Cope assured me that although Isabella is very nervous around people, she is very kind and anxious to please those around her. I'm hopeful that with time and love she will find a measure of peace and healing here," Esme finished softly.

"Now, Isabella is at Mrs. Cope's office right now, so there is very little time to prepare for her. Rosalie, I would like for you to set up another bed in the girls' room. Move the bunk bed against the wall. There's an old metal frame bed out in the garage that you can push beneath the window. The mattress and box springs are in the attic. Emmett can help you get it set up. Clear out the top drawer of the dresser and some room in the closet for her things," Esme cleared her throat and looked at Alice and Jasper.

"Jasper, I'd like for you to run to store on your bike and pick out some bed things and maybe a welcome home present for her. Alice can help you if Rosalie doesn't mind taking care of the room with just Emmett. I'll give you some money on my way out," Esme said.

She laughed at Alice who was dancing around the room at the chance to go shopping with Jasper. Trust Alice with her sunshine nature to break the solemnity, although he couldn't tell from her eyes which made her happiest: shopping or being with Jasper. Something about Jasper's slow smile told Edward that _he_ knew which made Alice happiest.

Esme turned to me, "Edward, I'd like for you to go with me to pick up Isabella. You can help me with her luggage … I would like for her to get used to seeing you kids very early. I want for her to be comfortable around everyone. I wish everyone could come with us, but there's just too much to do…." Esme's voice trailed off.

"Besides, except for Alice, you're the youngest, and I think she would be the least threatened by you," said Esme to me again.

"Yeah, Emmett's so big, he'd probably scare her," said Jasper in his deep voice. He was usually so quiet, but he and Emmett loved to dig at each other. Emmett looked slightly crestfallen at the news and Rosalie tried to cheer him up by putting her head on his shoulder and saying, "I like how big Emmett is."

Emmett was appropriately cheered up.

He could tell that Emmett was excited about the news of a new little sister. The more kids in the house, the happier Emmett was. It reminded him of his home in Tennessee. He had loved taking care of his brothers. He had apparently all but forgotten the grimmer parts of his childhood and held on to the positive sides as best he could.

Leaving the other four busily preparing for Isabella's arrival, Esme and Edward walked out to the garage, got into the car, and drove out to the Mrs. Cope's office.

Esme had called earlier and told her that they would be coming to pick up Isabella. Mrs. Cope had been very relieved, and he found himself shifting nervously again. Although he knew Isabella would be quiet, he was afraid.

They all circled around each other anyway … never really talking about their individual pains…. Now someone was coming who could not talk _at all_. Would the silence just cement?

He was also worried because Rosalie had almost driven all of them to their limits, and none of them wanted a repeat of _that_ experience. What if Mrs. Cope had been intentionally optimistic about Isabella's kindness in order to put the best gloss on the whole thing?

He worried all the way to the office.

Esme pulled into the parking lot and looked at him.

"I think it would be best if I went in and got her," she said. "That way Isabella doesn't feel threatened by meeting too many new people at once."

He nodded and Esme got out of the car and walked inside. It was a foggy, dreary fall day, but he got out of the car and leaned against the door anyway. He knew Esme would have to fill out paperwork so it would be a little while before she would get out.

_In restless dreams I walk alone_

_Narrow streets of cobblestone…_

______________________________________________________________________________

He thought about how different it would be to have a new sister in the house. It would make the girls happy, but he was worried about what Isabella's coming would do to the equilibrium in the house.

He wasn't quite sure, but he suspected that the others were beginning to pair up.

He shook his head.

It was less of a suspicion and more of a certainty in Emmett and Rosalie's case. Emmett couldn't be shy if he wanted to, and had told Edward and Jasper once when they were playing Halo that Rosalie was _hot_.

He thought that Emmett's open, unchanging, and unflinching admiration would be just the kind of love Rosalie needed. Emmett had a compulsion to care and protect those he loved that maybe would cause Rosalie to finally _rest _with him. He hoped she could stop fighting her mad battle with the whole world then. And Emmett would never leave her. He was too loyal for that.

With Alice and Jasper he wasn't quite as sure.

Alice could talk about nothing but Jasper, but that in itself wasn't hard proof because Alice never shut up anyway.

He honestly felt a little more positive of Jasper's feelings. It was odd, but it was like he oriented himself around Alice. She danced and twirled around the house and he followed her with his eyes. It was the only time Edward ever saw his eyes without that opaque film. They were rimmed with that same yellow band that Esme had whenever she was happy. Jasper seemed to instinctively know where she was at every moment.

It gave Edward the feeling that even though Alice moved and Jasper was at rest, for Jasper she was the still mid-point of his universe, the sun around which _he_ moved and revolved.

His thoughts were interrupted when Esme walked outside with Isabella.

His breath caught.

He had never seen anyone so very frail before. Even Rosalie at her most starved and brittle emanated strength, if only the intense strength of will it took to fight her battle with the world.

Isabella was so different.

Her skin was so pale it was almost translucent. He could see the thin blue of her veins like slim spider-weave beneath the surface. Her hands were fine-boned and delicate.

None of them would need any more warnings from Esme about touching her. She looked so fragile that he was afraid one harsh move would break her.

Her long mahogany hair hung softly around her slender neck. She walked with her thin shoulders hunched forward, her eyes pointing to the ground. He could not read her eyes to find out what she was thinking.

She had her arms crossed tightly across her body. Her head kept flicking back and forth from side to side as if she was watching for sudden movement … for people. It was almost like she felt threatened by the overhanging fog around the car because it limited her sight. It was like she wanted wide open spaces in order to see everything….

_Hide my head I want to drown my sorrow  
No tomorrow, no tomorrow…_

______________________________________________________________________________

"Isabella," said Esme softly.

Isabella looked up and he saw that her eyes were a deep brown. They were like doe's eyes, large and fearful … but strangely blank. It was odd, but they reminded him of Rosalie because they were the complete _opposite_ of how Rosalie's eyes had looked when she came.

Rosalie had been at war with the world – but to be at war with the world meant that she had to _engage_ with the world.

Isabella looked like all she wanted to do was disappear. She was only reacting to the world by habit; her watchfulness was a habit ingrained by many years of abuse. She watched because she had to – it was as instinctive as a bird's instinct to migrate.

She flinched slightly when Esme called her name.

"Isabella" – that same flinch – "This is my son Edward. He is another foster child that I and my husband Carlisle care for. You will be able to meet the other four when we get to the house. Maybe you'd like for Edward to tell you about them in the car, that way you'll get to know them a bit before you meet them," Esme said encouragingly.

She nodded to Esme to show that she wouldn't mind me telling her about Emmett, Rosalie, Jasper and Alice.

He had watched her carefully while Esme spoke. There was a raw edge around her blank brown eyes.

"Hello, Isabella," he said. He cocked his head at her when she flinched again.

"Do you not like the name Isabella?" he asked softly, trying to account for her reaction.

She looked at him in surprise and a little bit of fear and slowly shook her head.

He guessed that he was the first one to ever notice that about her.

"Let me try that again, then," he said in the same soft voice. "Hello, Bella."

He waited for her reaction carefully. She didn't flinch again. He looked at Esme and she smiled a wide smile at him, her eyes rimmed in honey.


	4. Chapter 4

**I just wanted to thank everyone who has reviewed the first three chapters. Y'all are the best and I love you! :o) Please continue!**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight. **

**Chapter 4: Meetings**

He talked softly to Bella all the way home.

"Emmett is the oldest. He's also the biggest – way over six feet tall, but you don't need to be afraid of him. He's like a giant marshmallow. Emmett had a lot of brothers before he went into foster care, so he's really excited about having a new little sister. Don't be afraid if he's loud and he teases you. He just likes to play. He wouldn't hurt a fly," he said.

Bella sat looking at her lap, unresponsive.

He had no idea if she was listening or not. He hoped that if he talked softly enough for long enough then maybe she would be relaxed by the time they got home.

"Jasper and Rosalie are the next oldest. They're twins, although they don't look very much alike. The both have blond hair, but that's about where the similarity ends. I'm not really sure how to describe Rosalie ... I can tell you what she does, I suppose … She fixes all the cars and helps Esme cook dinner … But that doesn't really tell you too much about her."

He paused.

"Rosalie is beautiful … and very strong." he smiled at Bella, "She's going to light the world on fire some day."

Bella looked up for just the shortest of moments. He hoped he would get more of a response out of her, but she looked down at her lap again.

"Jasper is usually very quiet, although he and Emmett like to tease each other. They also like to make absurd bets, except Jasper is so smart that he usually beats Emmett – which only irritates Emmett and causes him to bet again," he laughed quietly and added, "Emmett hates losing.

Bella looked up again.

"Alice… is kind of energetic. And she loves to shop. She's small with dark, spiky black hair…." he trailed off again, frustrated at not being able to adequately describe his siblings. He could tell Bella what they _did_, but it didn't seem to describe who they _were_.

"Alice will be a good friend," he finally concluded.

Bella's shoulders relaxed a bit.

He wondered for the hundredth time what she must be thinking. He almost felt like he was talking to a ghost.

_And I find it kind of funny  
I find it kind of sad  
The dreams in which I'm dying  
Are the best I've ever had…_  
______________________________________________________________________________

By this time they were home. He got Bella's suitcase out of the trunk and walked with her to the front door. She had her arms crossed above her stomach in the same way she had when they picked her up.

Emmett, Rosalie, Jasper and Alice were all in the living room waiting for them.

"Hello, Isabella!" boomed Emmett. Edward could tell he was trying to speak softly, but Emmett's version of speaking softly meant that he talked in more of a dull roar instead of his usual roar.

Bella flinched and crossed her arms tighter across her chest.

Emmett face fell and he shuffled to the back of the living room.

"She doesn't like to be called Isabella," he told them. "She prefers Bella."

Jasper and Rosalie both said hello quietly, learning from Emmett's mistake.

Alice danced up to me and gave Edward a hug before she cheerfully – but very softly – said, "Hello Bella!"

Alice had come closer to Bella than any of the others had. Bella stiffened at first, but then she looked up and saw Alice. Something of Alice's bright innocence must have shown on her face because Bella relaxed slightly and nodded her head at Alice.

Esme spoke up for the first time, "Rosalie and Alice, why don't you two show Bella the girls' room. Here's her suitcase."

Rosalie grabbed the suitcase and Alice followed her as they bounded up the stairs. Bella hadn't moved however. He saw her face slowly look up at him. He could finally see her eyes and he noticed that they were rimmed in puzzlement… and in that ever-present fear she lived in.

"It's alright, Bella. You can go with them," he murmured.

She still wouldn't move.

"Would you like for me to go with you?" he asked, trying to figure out what she wanted.

He was surprised when she nodded.

He followed her to the room she would share with Rosalie and Alice. Alice had bought a soft blue blanket to cover her bed. There was a fluffy teddy-bear propped next to the pillow. Bella leaned over and very carefully touched the blanket. She turned around and looked straight at Alice and Rosalie for the first time. She motioned towards the blanket and then at Alice and Rosalie. They both looked confused. She turned to him next, and went through the same motions again.

"Yes, Bella, this is for you. Alice bought the blanket and the bear for you, and Rosalie set the bed up," he said quietly.

She smiled slightly, just a quick flash up of her sunken cheeks before she looked at the floor again. Then she brought her arms up to her chest. He thought she was just scared again, but then she moved her frail arms outward in a gesture that he wasn't sure he understood.

He was startled when Rosalie said, "You're welcome, Bella."

Bella's hands fluttered again and she crouched down on the bed with her gaze directed downwards.

"Would you like for us to leave you to unpack?" he asked. She nodded without looking up.

"We'll come and get you when it's time for dinner," he promised. Rosalie, Alice and Edward turned and quietly left the room.

Rosalie exhaled loudly in the hallway. "She seems very sweet, but the silence is so … awkward," Rosalie admitted abruptly. "It's almost like being at a funeral."

He was about to yell at Rosalie when Alice nodded in agreement, "It's a good thing we have Edward. He seems to be the only one who knows what she's thinking most of the time."

He was embarrassed and said, "But you knew what she was thinking there at the end, Rosalie, and I'm only getting small pieces… the parts she _lets_ us see."

He sighed in frustration because everyone in the house was like that… only showing the thoughts they _allow_ the others to see…. Rosalie shrugged as if it wasn't important.

_Yet, on the other side of it, of course, they desperately need Mummy and Daddy and are scared stiff of the very independence they are fighting to achieve…_

________________________________________________________________________________

By this point they were in their large kitchen. Esme believed in decorating the house in calming colors, so the kitchen was a soft, pale yellow. The cabinets were white, the floor was a light pine wood. Esme was stirring a pot on the stove.

"How is she?" Esme asked, briefly looking up from her stirring.

"She seems to be the most comfortable around Edward, but still very tense," replied Alice. "She has a beautiful smile though," she concluded happily.

"How would you know?" demanded Rosalie. "We've only seen her smile once … for all of about one second."

"I just know," said Alice with a Cheshire cat smile. Alice twirled around the kitchen. "Can I help, Esme?" she asked.

"Alice, you can butter the bread if you'd like, and Rosalie can make the salad. Edward, could you go get Emmett and Jasper? It's almost time for dinner. Please remind Emmett to wash his hands," said Esme with an exasperated shake of her head.

"Okay," he said.

"Oh, and Edward?" asked Esme softly. He turned around.

"Since Bella seems the most comfortable around you, please get her as well," she said.

He nodded and walked outside. Jasper and Emmett were playing with the family's overgrown mutt named Jake. Carlisle thought he was a mix of about eight different dog breeds. All Edward knew was that he was large, loud and hairy. Emmett had found him on the side of the road looking for food one day when he was walking home from school. He coaxed the dog home by bribing him with his lunch leftovers (Rosalie thought that the dog must have been _extremely_ hungry to have wanted the half-eaten bits of Emmett's lunch). Emmett had begged Carlisle for permission to keep the dog, while Carlisle, running true to form, only had to _look_ at the dog – who had had the good sense to look starved, pitiful and well-mannered – before agreeing.

At this moment, Emmett and Jasper were trying to teach Jake how to fetch, but they weren't having much luck. Jake didn't seem to know that he was supposed to go_ get _the ball. Instead, he ran around Emmett barking excitedly whenever one of the two threw the ball.

"Emmett, Jasper! It's time for dinner. Esme wanted me to remind you to wash your hands, Em," Edward said with a slight smirk.

Emmett roared and tackled him, while Jasper laughed loudly. Emmett and Edward began rough-housing, while Jake circled them, barking madly and trying to lick their faces.

Alice came to the door and started laughing and clapping her hands. "Dinner is ready," she called. "Edward, go get Bella!"

"Yeah, Edward," snickered Emmett. "Give Jake a good example. Fetch!"

He pulled away from Emmett and brushed the leaves off his shirt. Emmett pulled him into a headlock, but Alice started fussing at him, so he let Edward go.

He ran upstairs, flushed from being outside, and pushed open the door to Bella's room.

Bella jumped and flew to the corner of the room, where she crouched down with her arms crossed tightly across herself.

"I'm so sorry, Bella," he said. "I didn't mean to scare you. Esme just wanted me to tell you that dinner is ready."

Her face was so pale it showed up against the white of the pillows in the room. Her eyes were blank with fear and instinct again. She was breathing so rapidly he was afraid she was having a panic attack.

"Shhh," he crooned softly, his hands shaking.

Her eyes slowly lost the glazed look of opaque panic, and her frail fingers relaxed the death grip they had around her stomach. She closed her eyes and shuddered violently.

­­­­­­­­­­­______________________________________________________________________________

_I find it hard to tell you  
I find it hard to take  
When people run in circles  
It's a very, very  
Mad World…_

______________________________________________________________________________

"Shhhh," he repeated over and over again.

He raised his hands to touch her hair or stroke her back – to show any of those signs of comfort people instinctively show when someone is afraid. But she flinched every time his hand moved.

Finally, she opened her wide chocolate eyes and looked at him. They almost looked … apologetic. Then she looked down again.

"You know, Bella…" he started and then stopped. "You know you're safe here."

She looked up and met his eyes.

He spoke a little more firmly, "There is nothing to be afraid of. None of us will hurt you. You're safe here."

She looked down at her feet again and took a deep breath before nodding.

He got the unmistakable feeling she was whispering to herself, "I know… I know…" over and over in her head like a mantra.

He sighed and said, "Come on." She followed him down to the kitchen.

As they got closer to the kitchen he could hear the warm tones of Carlisle's voice. He must have just come home from work at the hospital.

He turned to Bella.

"It sounds like Carlisle is here. He's Esme's husband. He's a doctor and he works in the emergency room. He's the best man I've ever known," he said feelingly. "You don't have to be afraid of him." He was pleased when Bella nodded.

They walked into the kitchen and Carlisle stepped slowly and carefully towards Bella.

"Hello, Bella," he said. "My name is Carlisle. I'm so glad you've come to live with Esme and I. I know we'll enjoy having you."

Bella glanced at Edward before taking a deep breath and reaching out her hand in greeting to Carlisle. Carlisle smothered his surprise and gravely shook Bella's hand. Bella dropped her hand quickly and started looking at the ground once more.

It gave him his first clue about her character. Bella was brave. She was perhaps more willing than any of them to move beyond her past….

The tense silence was broken by the loud baying of Jake in the backyard.

"Esme, can we please let Jake inside?" begged Emmett. "I'll watch him. I won't let him bother anything! He just wants to be with everyone." He smiled his brightest smile at Esme, while Alice laughed and Rosalie groaned.

"Absolutely not, Emmett!" exclaimed Esme. "That dog will scare Bella to death!"

"But I'll watch him!" Emmett whined. "I won't let him come anywhere near Bella. You know how much he likes being inside in the evening!"

"Only because you feed the dog scraps from the table," muttered Jasper.

"I do _not_!" said Emmett. "_Please_ Esme?"

"No, I'm not going to run the risk of that dog scaring Bella into the next decade," said Esme firmly.

Edward noticed that Bella had flinched several times throughout this conversation.

"Bella doesn't like it when you talk about her as if she isn't here," said Carlisle.

Bella looked up at Carlisle before swiftly dropping her eyes to the ground again.

"Bella," Edward said quietly. She looked up at him. He read frustration, and not fear, in her eyes. "Do you mind if Jake comes inside? He's kind of big, and he barks a lot, but he won't hurt you."

Then Bella smiled tentatively. It was the real smile he ever saw her give. She nodded her head once and motioned with her hands, unmistakably giving her permission for the dog to come inside.

Esme, looking surprised, said, "Oh, all right, Emmett. But the minute that dog gets too loud he's going right back outside," she declared.

Emmett whooped in delight, and Bella flinched slightly, but then she followed Emmett to the door. Jake came bounding inside and stopped to push his velvety nose into Bella's outstretched hands. Bella stroked his russet fur before throwing her arms around the dog with a smile of peace on her face.

"Well," said Alice happily, "I guess she likes dogs."


	5. Chapter 5

**A/N I just wanted to introduce this chapter with a few words. I'm not focusing very much on Edward and Bella here, because I really need to set up the other Cullen kids. Like I said in my introduction to the story, this is a fic about the healing of _everyone_, not just Bella. In fact, Bella comes to play quite a role in the healing of everyone... **

**That being said, I hope that I have kept my observations on each of the players of this fic in character. OOC fics tend to annoy me. On the other hand, I hope that nothing I've written has been cliche. If I have to read one more fic about shallow!Rosalie or hyper!Alice I think I might puke.... **

**I've written the most about Rosalie and Jasper in this chapter, mainly because they're described the least in the books, so I felt I had a bit more room to create a background for them in keeping with the (minimal) descriptions of their characters in the Twilight books. **

**Alice and Emmett were a bit harder... There is something indefinable about these two characters that I found hard to channel into the universe of my story. I hope that in describing their psychological state I have stayed true to their characters as written by SM, but that it also works within the context of my story. **

**Thank you to everyone who has reviewed! I have to say that they _completely_ make my day, and I hope that everyone will continue (Please?). I am using this forum to improve my writing in general, but also to flesh out themes that I think are either missing or underdeveloped in the Twilight books. I appreciate all constructive criticisms and ideas. **

**Also, I'm more likely to update faster with more reviews.... :o)**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight. **

**Chapter 5: In the Dark**

Jasper, Emmett and Edward were all up in their room playing Halo a few weeks later when Emmett threw the controller down in disgust. Jasper had plastered him for the twelfth time a row.

"That's it," he grumbled. "I'm going downstairs for something to eat."

"Don't wake anyone up with your swearing," grinned Jasper.

Emmett snorted and stomped out to the kitchen. A few minutes later he came running back up into the room.

"Hey, Edward," he began, "Bella's downstairs in the living room. I didn't want to scare her or anything, but I thought maybe you should go talk to her … make sure she's okay." He looked chagrined that he couldn't comfort her himself, but his size still intimidated Bella. She was making a heroic effort to be around him … She tried to be so brave…. Everyone knew it….

That was the thing though…. Edward could practically _hear_ her telling herself over and over again, "You're safe … There's nothing to be afraid of … You don't need to be scared … You're safe … There's nothing to be afraid of … You don't need to be scared … You're safe …" It was her mantra, the rhythm of every breath she took, of every move she made.

But it didn't seem to help because she was still so very fragile.

Privately, he thought it was as if she could not fight the instincts ingrained in her through years of abuse. She just didn't have Rosalie's single-minded strength of will. Oh, he knew she was strong. No one can come from an abusive situation and _not_ be strong. But, unlike Rosalie, Bella just couldn't defeat those instincts after only a few weeks.

What really made his stomach queasy was that in a perfect world, Emmett should _not_ have scared her. He pinched the bridge of his nose.

­­­­­______________________________________________________________________________

_Mad World…_

______________________________________________________________________________

Edward sighed in frustration, but he was pulled out of his thoughts when Emmett punched his arm and said, "Hello! Come back to earth, bro! Can you go down and see about Bella?"

"Sure," he said and set his controller down.

He walked as softly as he could down the stairs. He knew that she was trying very hard to relax around everyone, but she still jumped slightly if a loud noise startled her.

He could just barely make out her form in the darkness.

She was sitting on the floor with her back against the couch in front of the big bay window, absently stroking Jake's back. Edward silently sat down beside her and gazed out the window with her. The stars were so beautiful in the crisp winter night (so rare in the normally cloudy Forks)…. Venus was showing off against the duller stars….

_________________________________________________________________________________________

'_Neath the halo of a streetlamp,_

_I turned my collar to the cold and damp_

_When my eyes were stabbed by the flash of a neon light_

_That split the night_

_And touched the sound of silence…_

_________________________________________________________________________________________

After a few minutes he was surprised when he felt her fingers snake across his lap and touch his hand. She tentatively stroked it before grasping it tightly.

He settled back against the couch and held her hand until she went back to bed.

After that evening, not a night went by that he wouldn't find Bella and Jake sitting in front of the big bay window. He always sat with her until she went to bed.

_________________________________________________________________________________________

_The craving to be free and independent... The craving to be taken care of and safe... The magic of the sickness is that it meets both these cravings at once…_

____________________________________________________________________________________________

Edward wasn't sure why Bella liked to sit and watch the night sky. He wondered if it was because she was afraid of something. A few days later, he asked Alice, "Does Bella have nightmares?"

Her brows puckered as she thought about it, "I'm not sure Edward. You know I sleep like the dead, so I've never noticed whether she had nightmares or not. Why don't you ask Rose? You know she's a much lighter sleeper than me!" Alice laughed, recalling many arguments with Rosalie about Alice's sleep-talking.

"_It's not like I can help it!" Alice always shouted indignantly. _

"_But do you always have to be so loud?" Rosalie would shoot back…_

Rosalie said, "I've never heard her say anything in her sleep – or cry or shout … not that she would be likely to do any of those things," Rosalie admitted dryly.

Bella was _certainly_ one of the quietest people any of them had ever met.

"She does move around a lot though…" she trailed off. "She seems fine when she wakes up in the morning, so I guess if she does have nightmares that they don't bother her too much," Rose concluded composedly.

He pinched the bridge of his nose with his thumb and forefinger in response, and thought that was no proof of whether Bella had nightmares or not… He decided to watch her closely that morning.

______________________________________________________________________________

_Children waiting for the day they feel good  
Happy Birthday, Happy Birthday_

__________________________________________________________________________________

When she came in for breakfast, there were dark circles under her eyes that showed up against her too-pale skin, but no other obvious sign of stress. She actually seemed relaxed for once.

He sighed and started guessing again…

She smiled and waved goodbye as they walked out the door for school. Esme was tutoring Bella at home; she would start school next semester.

______________________________________________________________________________

_By not eating you take your stand against a world that is telling you what to do. By not eating you make your body so much smaller, lighter, weaker that in effect it becomes a child's body again, and the world flocks to your rescue…_

________________________________________________________________________________

School itself was torture. Although none of them had made the slightest trouble the past few weeks, people generally had preconceived notions of foster kids – especially the foster kids that Carlisle and Esme kept. Carlisle and Esme only took the hard cases.

Home was where they all felt safest. None of them ever said it out loud, but it was an unspoken belief that they would do anything to stay with Carlisle and Esme.

Unfortunately, Edward thought that most schools tended to remember them when they first came to their foster parents – before they figured out that Esme and Carlisle were probably the best thing to ever happen to them.

For instance, Rosalie's temper tantrums were the stuff of legends, although she had been nothing but a model student for a while now.

And as for Jasper… healing had not come as easily for him either. Edward sometimes thought that people tended to forget he lost his parents too. Rosalie was so much more vocal that Jasper's quieter pain tended to go unnoticed. Edward watched him and noticed that Jasper was very tense around people he didn't know very well. He could only guess at the reasons behind his tenseness…

His eyes were so watchful, almost as if he was waiting for that same spark that had ignited the mob in Mexico City to appear at Forks High School. The only time his eyes completely lost that watchful rim was when Alice was around. If anyone could prove to Jasper that not all humans were animals, it would be Alice.

He even sometimes wondered if Jasper's problem was not so much that he distrusted people, but that he felt as if he would let the people he loved down. Edward didn't have to be empathic to know that Jasper almost couldn't function sometimes because of the guilt he felt over what happened to Rosalie.

But Jasper never said anything about it, so no one was ever able to tell him the meaningless (but probably true) platitudes, "You wouldn't have been able to save them if you had been there. You would have been killed too. And then Rosalie would have been left all alone."

Edward sometimes thought that no one said the platitudes, however, because there was the unconscious feeling that Jasper would agree with them. Of _course _he couldn't have saved them if he had been there… Of _course_ he wasn't strong enough… That was the point, wasn't it? Jasper felt completely helpless to protect those he loved.

And that feeling of helplessness paralyzed him.

But again … Like Rosalie, Jasper never said those magic words … "Help me" … "I need to feel safe" … "I need to feel strong again" … "I am afraid" …

Jasper never said what he thought because the response would be platitudes ... So he moved and lived instead in a silence almost as complete as Bella's…

So Jasper really didn't interact much with the student body … unless of course someone messed with those he loved. Then he fought with a single-minded ferocity that once sent two kids to the hospital for _daring_ to speak harshly to Rosalie.

In a way, Edward thought Jasper was challenging the universe to prove to him he was too weak to protect those he loved the same way Rosalie taunted the world to prove to her she was too weak to protect herself. It was almost as if they both said, "Come on world … I _dare_ you to screw with me again."

As for Emmett… people backed away from him on instinct just because of his sheer _size_, although Edward could have told them that Jasper was the one to watch in a fight.

That was the thing though.... The scariest thing about Emmett was something that no one else but the Cullens knew. The scary thing about Emmett, was that he probably knew everything about drugs that there was to know. Emmett never told anyone except Jasper and Edward – despite his propensity to say anything that came into his head – but he had actually dealt in drugs before his mom overdosed. When he told Jasper and Edward that, their jaws dropped in silent shock. Emmett laughed uproariously at his brothers' expressions.

"_You should see your faces! I bet I just scared ten years off your lives," he howled. _

_Jasper choked out, "We're waiting for you to say, 'just kidding!'"_

_Emmett sobered up immediately. "I didn't actually do drugs," he said softly. "I just sold them. My mom went through money as fast as any drug addict could. There wasn't any money to take care of my brothers … I knew the people she hung out with … It really wasn't that hard – making the right contacts … I just made enough money doing it to give my brothers the things they needed … you know, food and clothes," he had concluded bitterly. _

Since his mother's death, Emmett had tried heroically to keep in touch with his younger brothers. But with everyone beings shuffled from foster home to foster home several times in the space of a few months, Emmett had lost track of all but his youngest brother.

Being forced to feed someone else's addiction (which went against everything Emmett was) in order to care for his little brothers had taken its toll on him though. Maybe because of that, he tended to get violently angry at the selfishness and pettiness of high school. He was apt to fly off the handle if anyone spoke harshly of their parents … or of their brothers and sisters.

Emmett was also noticeable because his fury, while not as harming as Jasper's calm ferocity, had the same deafeningly volcanic quality as Rosalie's rages.

Edward sighed … Again, he could only _guess_ though.

Emmett would get violently angry over little things or over the kids at school, and it would be days before one of the others would learn that it was because another letter had come back stamped "Could Not Deliver to Addressed."

Like Rosalie… like Jasper… Emmett never voiced out loud, "I need to be needed" or "I need my family" or "I need to protect" ….

Alice, like Jasper, was also an enigma to Edward, maybe because she consciously _cultivated_ a mask to wear …

Alice tried to make people uncomfortable on _purpose_. She had mischievously perfected the image of the weird, slightly eerie teenager. She was the individualist in a whole family of individualists – and she scared the kids at school because of that.

She enjoyed thumbing her nose at the world, but in a comic way completely different from Jasper and Rosalie's fierce taunts. It came to Edward's mind again, but he thought Alice was the sanest of them all…

And yet … Her strength might become a weakness that could destroy that cheerful contentment. Alice was perfectly, wholly, _utterly_ content to live as a person unto herself. It was almost as if she had trained herself not to _need_ anyone else but herself.

She felt complete as a person alone.

He thought that was why she found it so much fun to flout the social norms at the high school. She truly didn't _need_ the students' affirmation.

The miraculous thing was that she had managed – so far – not to turn brittle in the process. He wondered how long that would last … She cared about her new brothers and sisters – that was true – but sooner or later her desire to need no one but herself might become a shield behind which she would hide a broken girl who didn't (or couldn't) trust anyone.

Edward occasionally thought it might be happening already … and he hated to see her sunny contentment with herself and with the world harden into such a brittle shield.

He thought that because it sometimes seemed as if Jasper's single-minded (however silent) devotion scared Alice slightly. She didn't want to need him because then she would not be as complete unto herself. And suppose he should leave her … like her mom…

"I don't need anyone" …. "I need to be myself" …. "I am afraid" … "I need you" …. Alice needed to _tell _them what she needed because Edward hadn't been able to work through the layers of her carefully-cultivated Mardi Gras mask…

As for Edward… Why did he come under the heading of a "difficult case"?

He didn't scare people in the same way Emmett, Jasper or Rosalie scared people. Maybe he was more like Alice. He made them … uneasy.

He thought that most kids at school probably wondered if he was bipolar or something because of the way he could watch someone intensely for minutes on end, trying to figure out what they were thinking by reading their eyes, and then retreat deeply into himself to contemplate what he had seen.

And when he retreated he was oblivious to everything around him.

Very few understood that he was just trying to understand…. he just wanted to get past what people said or did to what they _really_ thought behind the masks…

But most people tend to get uncomfortable if one makes direct eye contact for too long.

He had frightened five different foster families in the space of a few months before Esme and Carlisle took him in.

He had rubbed the skin on his nose raw in the weeks that followed, waiting to be told to move on by a diplomatic social worker….

Instead, the months went by and he only saw a golden rim of happiness in their eyes.

He finally got the courage to ask Carlisle one day why he didn't scare them. Breaking a silence almost as complete as Bella's, his voice croaked from disuse as he haltingly got the words out ... shifting from one foot to the other ... staring at everything but Carlisle's eyes.

He never forgot Carlisle's response.

"_No, Edward, you don't make me uncomfortable … In fact … You remind me very much of how I used to be when I was a child."_

_He looked up and saw honey in his eyes. Carlisle paused and cleared his throat. _

"_In fact, I rather think that if I had had a little boy he would have been much like you," he finished softly. _

Over the weeks that followed, Edward's hands rested quietly at his sides. His eyes lost their look of watchful intensity. He talked more often. The skin on his nose healed.

"I need to know if you love me" …. "I need to know if I make you uncomfortable."

All of them held on so closely to what had happened to them.

He thought that they were all afraid to speak or admit that they were afraid…. that they needed something or someone. That they each had their hang-ups … their troubles … their hurts. That they all had their needs … their desires … their nightmares … that only showed through in the symbols of their actions….

It made him wonder what kind of nightmares Bella had … what her muteness was a symbolic action for….

______________________________________________________________________________

_Is something like this at the heart of it?_

________________________________________________________________________________


	6. Chapter 6

**A/N Well, I'm taking a break from everyone else for the moment. Here's some Bella/Edward interaction (because I just love how protective he is of her). Enjoy and please tell me what you think. :o) If you write a long review, you can have the Cullen male of your choice. :o)**

**This chapter is dedicated to Lil'Dinky, who has been one of my best and most faithful reviewers. Lil'Dinky, thank you so much for your encouragement.** **I read your profile, and I understand that you're probably very, _very_ busy as a young mother. It makes the fact that you write such detailed and wonderful reviews that much more special to me. Thank you. :o)**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight. **

**Chapter 6: My Only Sunshine**

As they trooped in from school he found Bella curled up on the sofa in the living room reading _Wuthering Heights_ … for about the sixth time in a row. He honestly didn't understand why she liked that book so much …

"Hello Bella!" he called softly. She smiled shyly at him, and put her book down.

At that moment, he had the best idea.

"Hey Bella," he said excitedly. "Do you want to play a game with me?"

She looked worried for a moment, but then she nodded her head.

"Okay, here's how to play," he said. "I'm going to ask you questions, and you have to figure out how to answer them in as short a time as possible … without writing the answer," he finished grandly.

She grinned and nodded enthusiastically.

Esme had thoughtfully purchased a tablet for her when it became clear to everyone that she wouldn't be talking anytime soon. Bella still preferred to communicate non-verbally, but when she felt it was _absolutely _necessary, she condescended to write her thoughts.

She had such messy handwriting though that Emmett liked to tease her and purposefully misread what she had written. It was one of the only times she laughed her silent laugh. The first time it happened, Emmett was on cloud nine for a week.

"Okay," Edward began. "What's your favorite color?"

She thought for a moment and then held up two fingers.

"You have two favorite colors?" he asked.

She nodded and then took off running through the house. He followed her until she got upstairs to the room she shared with Rosalie and Alice. She touched the blue coverlet on her bed.

"Okay … blue, got it!" he said. "And the other?"

Bella wrinkled her forehead and then touched the coffee colored fur of the teddy bear on her bed.

"Brown?" he asked, confused. "Why do you like _brown_?"

Bella pursed her lips and thought long about that one, and then motioned for him to go downstairs with her again.

She went into Carlisle's study and pulled the big globe from where it rested on a bookcase beside his desk. She spun it around and then pointed her finger. He leaned down to see that she had placed her finger on top of the state of Arizona.

"So Arizona … did you once live in Arizona?" he asked. She nodded.

"I don't understand. What does Arizona have to do with liking brown?" he asked.

Her forehead wrinkled. Then she motioned for him to follow her again.

Carlisle and Esme were sitting in the living room talking. They looked up when Bella motioned towards them.

"Esme and Carlisle?" he asked.

She shook her head violently and motioned towards them again.

His eyes widened. "Your mother and father?" he asked.

She smiled and nodded.

"So … you lived in Arizona with your mom and dad … before everything happened," he finished, trying to sidestep her painful memories.

She nodded again.

Then she motioned him to walk to the window.

Esme and Carlisle were watching quietly.

She pointed outside and he saw the overcast sky and the green moss that seemed to grow over everything in Forks.

"Oh," he said suddenly. "You miss the desert. That's why you like brown. It reminds you of the desert."

She nodded and clapped her hands.

Then she ran to her tablet and wrote, "_Next question._"

Edward exchanged a quick glance with Carlisle.

"Okay," he said. "If you could go anywhere in the world, where would you go?"

Bella never stopped to think.

She went running back into Carlisle's study. Edward followed her and saw that she was pointing to another spot on the globe.

"Italy," he breathed. "Why Italy?"

Her forehead wrinkled again. She took the globe in her hands again and pointed at the Mediterranean Sea.

"You want to see the Mediterranean Sea?" he asked.

She shrugged her shoulders, and then pointed to the Atlantic Ocean, the Pacific Ocean, the Mediterranean Sea – all in quick succession.

"Oh ... okay ," he said. "You like the ocean. That seems kind of odd since you like the desert so much," he teased gently.

Her pale face flushed slightly.

Then she pointed at the Mediterranean Sea again and moved her arms outward in an expansive motion.

Here Edward needed no interpretation.

She felt free on the ocean.

He remembered the day they had picked her up at Mrs. Cope's office, and how she seemed to shrink from the suffocating fog outside. She wanted … loved … perhaps _needed_ the sense of security that endless space brought.

And he realized something else about Bella. Bella didn't need to speak out loud to tell what she thought.

She had said more clearly than anyone else in his family had, "I need to be free."

"I understand," he whispered.

Next she pointed at Arizona and Italy, and then at the overcast sky that showed in Carlisle's study window.

"You miss the sunshine too?" he guessed softly.

She nodded and bit her lip.

He patted her back gently and was surprised when she leaned her head against his chest. She still didn't like to be touched normally. He wrapped his arms around her and she stayed perfectly still.

Of course, Edward himself didn't usually reach out and touch others. He always placed himself on the edge of conversations and family meetings, as if needing a quick escape. He was rarely physically affectionate towards anyone, in a reserved, almost old-fashioned respect for personal space, ironic given his desperate desire for those around him to speak.

"You're _my_ sunshine," he whispered to her softly. "And I don't need to go to Italy to see it."

She pulled out of his arms and studied him carefully. Then she stoked his check, barely running her finger over his skin.

He thought for a moment she was going to smile, but she picked her tablet up off Carlisle's desk, where it had been thrown in all the excitement of our game, and pointed at her sentence again.

"_Next question_."

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_And in the naked light I saw_

_Ten thousand people, maybe more…_

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	7. Chapter 7

**A/N I know that this is a short chapter, but it has a Rosalie/Bella moment that I'm very excited about. There are too few of those in the books. I actually tend to be a Rosalie fan myself... I think that she's a very poorly understood character in the books, and I'm very disappointed in the fact that after SM develops her (sort of...) in Eclipse, that she turns her into the same shallow stereotype in BD. **

**So. Here's _my_ version of Rosalie. :o)**

**Speaking of which, if anyone wants to read the _best_ Rosalie fic out there, check out Angeliss's "Desperate," the story of Rosalie in the first two books of BD. It's one of the best fics I've ever read. JennaLynne also has some wonderful one shots of Rosalie on her home page. If you'd like to read some of those, just look at my favorite stories page, and you should see them. **

**This chapter also concludes with a wonderful bit of fluff that delighted me to write. **

**Stayed tuned for the next chapter... Esme tells her story....**

**I want to sincerely thank everyone who has reviewed. Really, I wish so much that I could respond personally to everyone -- but I'm a junior double major in college -- which, translated, means that I have no life. Just know that I love each of you for your encouragement. :o) Please review, and maybe I can persuade Edward to visit _you_ for Thanksgiving. :o)**

**PS. About the previous chapter... I modeled the "question game" on what Edward does in Twilight when he asks Bella anything and everything... And "You Are My Sunshine" is supposed to be this fic's version of Edward's lullaby. :o) I hope that helps everything make more sense! **

**Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight. **

**Chapter Seven: Scars**

Alice was running around the house dancing in circles, Jake barking madly around her feet. She woke everyone up at the crack of dawn with her excitement even though they could have slept in for once. It was Thanksgiving and Alice loved the holidays more than anything else.

No one really minded, however. Her excitement was contagious.

They were all crowded in the kitchen, getting in each other's way while Esme showed everyone how to make the different dishes she and Carlisle always had for Thanksgiving. Edward was elbow deep mashing the potatoes when he felt everything go quiet in a kitchen that just a few minutes before had been loudly chaotic.

He turned around and saw Bella tentatively tracing one finger down the pink scars that showed beneath Rosalie's rolled-up sleeves.

He went perfectly still.

Rosalie was just starring at Bella. Bella had soft tears snaking gently down her face.

She looked at Rosalie, her forehead wrinkled, but Rosalie shrugged and held her hands out, her eyes rimmed in puzzlement.

Frustrated, Bella ran to the kitchen table where her tablet and pen were sitting. Slowly, in her distinctively messy handwriting, she wrote, "_Who did this to you?_"

Rosalie jutted her chin out and responded, "I did ... And don't you _dare_ feel sorry for me."

Bella looked stunned for a moment and then she did something Edward would have never expected – even though he was getting used to the fact that Bella usually did the unexpected.

She grinned.

He peeked over her shoulder as she quickly wrote on her tablet, "_I never felt sorry for you. You're too strong for anyone to feel sorry for you_."

It was the best thing she could have said, and better yet, Rosalie knew she meant it.

Before Rosalie could respond, Bella turned back and wrote on her tablet, "_I wish I could be as strong as you._"

"Why?" asked Rosalie, standing so straight. "Do you have scars like mine?"

Esme gasped softly. It was the first time anyone had ever asked Bella anything about her former life.

Bella just shook her head gently and then rubbed her hand over her heart. Her intent could not have been clearer.

Her scars were all on the inside.

Suddenly -- before anyone could say or do anything about Bella's revelation -- the vegetables that had been boiling on the stove began overflowing, and the kitchen was thrown into warm confusion once again.

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_Most anorexics are young women. Feeling that a male-dominated world has given them no models for what full womanhood means, do they believe that the golden key to that Wonderland garden is to make themselves as little as Alice had to in order to pass through the tiny curtained door?_

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It was only when they were about to eat that Edward realized that Bella had successfully made Rosalie say more in the last few minutes than she had said in her entire time at Carlisle and Esme's.

Bella had addressed the issue of her scars head-on, causing Rose to admit, "I need to feel strong."

And Bella did it for no other reason than because she cared.

A little while later they were all sitting ("Finally!" grumbled Emmett) around the table, surrounded by food.

Carlisle stopped everyone before they could begin.

"I'd like for all of us to go around the table and say what we're thankful for before we begin this wonderful dinner," he said.

"Yeah, and be creative," said Alice.

"I'll start," said Emmett enthusiastically. "I'm thankful for the postal service."

He laughed at everyone's stunned faces, and then pulled a crumpled letter out of his pocket. It was from his youngest brother.

"Without it, I wouldn't be able to keep up with Squirt," he finished grandly. "You're next, Rose!"

Rosalie pondered for a moment and then said, "I'm thankful we have old cars that need fixing all the time."

Carlisle groaned as everyone laughed. He was always complaining that one of their two clunkers would _always_ break down when he needed to get to the hospital for an emergency.

Rosalie turned to Jasper, "Your turn."

"I'm thankful for small graces," he said in his soft, deep voice, looking at Alice.

She blushed slightly and replied, "I'm thankful for time – past, present and future," looking at Jasper as she said future.

"I'm thankful for the chance I've had to help people," said Carlisle, smiling. He squeezed Esme's hand.

"I'm thankful for Forks," said Esme.

When everyone grumbled, she laughed and said, "I was in the right place at the right time. How else could I have met six such wonderful kids?"

Esme turned to Edward.

"I'm thankful for sunshine," he said softly, smiling at Bella.

It was Bella's turn now. He wondered exactly how she would communicate what she was thankful for to all of them.

He was surprised when she disappeared under the table. Everyone leaned down to look, and saw that she was petting Jake's head, who had taken refuge under the table in the hopes of stealing Thanksgiving scraps.

They all laughed. Of course – Bella loved Jake.

Then she got up and started walking around the table tapping each one of them on the head – Edward, Esme, Carlisle, Alice, Jasper, Rosalie, Emmett....

She finished and took her seat again, flushing slightly.

"We're thankful for you too, Bella," said Carlisle.

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_Who can say for sure?_

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	8. Chapter 8

**A/N So here it is... Esme's story. **

**This chapter is dedicated to 1-Brave-Lamb. Sarah, this is for you, because you're as strong and as brave as Esme. You're soul is beautiful, and it has been my delight to meet you. **

**Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight. **

**Chapter Eight: Firelight**

The weeks passed and everyone was finally home for Christmas. Carlisle read the advent readings every morning from the Book of Common Prayer. Unselfish as always, he made sure they all knew he didn't mind if they didn't listen – but everyone did anyway.

Edward wasn't sure why everyone else listened, but he knew he did because he loved Carlisle.

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_And I feel the way that every child should  
Sit and listen, sit and listen…_

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Esme – who spent a large amount of time either in the kitchen cooking, or painting and restoring the old house – doubled the amount of time she spent cooking and decorating. She and Bella were always making different breads or desserts, which would be piping hot on the counter when the rest of the kids trooped in from school.

Alice was always begging Carlisle for more spending money. She used Christmas as a convenient excuse for shopping – and somehow managed to buy two things for herself for every one present she bought for everyone else. It made her so happy that nobody minded very much. Except for Carlisle, of course, who got as frustrated as he ever _could_ get. Edward admitted to himself though that Carlisle usually gave her the credit card.

Rosalie was spending inordinate amounts of time in the garage, where Edward suspected that she was making Christmas gifts for everyone. He had the sneaking suspicion that it was therapeutic for her, but he thought that the therapy was helping – not necessarily because it let her be in control of something – but because whatever she did was for someone else now. Making Christmas presents … fixing the cars … preparing dinner …

Giving something can be a powerful medicine if you feel as if someone stole something from you. Carlisle would call it turning the other cheek or something like that. All Edward knew was that what Rosalie _thought_ she was doing for herself ended by being done for others.

Jasper, he suspected, didn't care what the holiday was – it could have been National Hot Dog Day for all the notice he took of it. He only knew that he had whole days to spend with Alice at home, instead of the minutes stolen in between classes at school. He needed no other Christmas gift.

And Emmett … Emmett ran the gamut of emotions. He was literally beside himself at being able to spend Christmas with a family – with other kids he insisted on calling his brothers and sisters.

However … every now and then … his face would become blank at not being able to spend Christmas with his real brothers.

He had suffered the torture of going shopping with Alice not once, but several times, in an effort to find the perfect gift for his youngest brother. It had been wrapped and shipped almost before the Thanksgiving leftovers were gone. Emmett insisted, without meeting anyone's eyes, that he just wanted the package to get to his brother before Christmas.

He was broken when that package came back two weeks later with a label on it that read, "Cannot Deliver to Addressed."

He just sat on the couch staring at the brown package, sitting in a very un-Emmett silence that spoke louder than words, until Bella sat down beside him.

She put her head on his shoulder and showed him her tablet where she had written, "_I __need__ a big brother. Do you think you'd mind having me as a little sister?_"

Emmett laughed in a faint imitation of his regular booming roar, and said that he would be happy to be Bella's big brother.

But for all that, Bella was difficult for Edward to read still...

It happened with less frequency than it used to, but the strangest things would make her eyes dull with that opaque fear and instinct that he hated. She flinched when they dug the glass ball ornaments out of boxes from the attic. She had gone pale when Esme put Christmas music on. She was shaking so hard one evening when Carlisle ceremoniously lit their first fire of the winter in the fireplace that Edward was afraid she would shatter into pieces.

"Bella," he crooned, hands shaking. "What's wrong?"

She never responded.

She just sat on the couch with her arms clinched around her drawn-up legs, her frail shoulders hunched to protect herself. Silent, rasping sobs wretched her fragile body. She was trying to fold into the smallest amount of space she could.

She was trying to disappear again.

Carlisle saw the problem and immediately started extinguishing the fire.

"Shhhh, Bella," Edward whispered.

He reached out to stroke her hair and she saw his hand out of the corner of her eye. She went absolutely still, her breath raspy.

Feeling as if he had been punched in the stomach, he just fell to desperately trying to calm her down by whispering over and over again, "Shhhh, Bella…. It's alright …. I'm here…. No one is going to hurt you."

Only after the fire was out and the embers were dying down did Bella finally relax.

She looked at him and he saw fear and shame and frustration rimming her wide brown eyes. "I'm sorry … I'm sorry," she mouthed again and again.

Carlisle kneeled down in front of her. "Bella, there is nothing you have to apologize for. I am sorry that my action, however inadvertent it was, caused you pain," he said, his voice breaking at the end.

Bella very slowly extended her hand and brushed the tips of her fingers across Carlisle's cheek. Then she laid her head very gently on Edward's shoulder. He made no other move to touch her, contenting himself with resting his head on top of hers.

Rosalie walked over and flung Bella's tablet in her lap. Bella looked at it for a few minutes and then picked up her pen to write.

In nearly illegible handwriting she said, "_I trust each of you. No one could have been kinder to me than all of you have been. I just get scared by memories sometimes_. _Christmas was .... difficult at my house._"

"What memories?" asked Rosalie. Edward hissed at her, but she just jutted her chin out.

"She needs to talk," she insisted.

He shook his head in frustration. Rosalie didn't understand… They _all_ needed to talk. Not just Bella.

Bella's eyes went wide again, but before Edward could say anything she picked up her pen to write: "_My stepfather pushed my mother into a fireplace once… There was a fire... She wasn't burned, but she cut her head and broke her arm…_."

Esme sighed and Emmett looked murderous. All of them suspected that Bella wasn't sharing everything.

"Is that all, Bella?" persisted Rosalie.

For the first time since Edward had known Bella she looked angry.

"_No, but isn't that enough for now?_" she wrote.

"No," hissed Rosalie. "Tell us, Bella! How did that make you feel?"

"Angry … helpless," Bella's writing trailed off. Then she wrote, "_Thankful that it wasn't me … ashamed that I felt that way … and guilty that it wasn't me._"

"Sweetheart," whispered Esme as she gently touched Bella's knee. "There was nothing you could have done. You shouldn't feel guilty. Your stepfather was the one who made the choice to cause pain, _not_ you."

"_But I should have protected my mom_," she wrote stubbornly.

It was only then that Edward understood in a flash what Bella _wasn't_ saying … what she never said … why that film in her eye was always opaque.

She thought that it _should _have been her.

It all clicked together. If there was anything he had learned about Bella – beyond how brave or how good she was – he had learned that she was _selfless_. She was instinctively generous and self-effacing in a way that neither Rosalie nor Alice ever were.

Given a different life … a different set of circumstances … Bella would have been able to show that kind of selfless love in a wholesome way.

But because of how she was treated she believed that she must not have really loved her mother because she was not willing to take her place in the beatings.

Edward's concentration was shattered when he heard Esme speak in a fierce voice, "Bella, I want you to listen to me right now. Are you listening?"

Bella, eyes wide, nodded.

Slowly Esme pulled up the sleeves of her long-sleeve shirt.

"Do you see, Bella?" she asked in a tired voice.

So pale they almost blended into her skin, a tiny network of scars laced up Esme's arms. Bella's eyes went even wider in her pale face.

"Before I married Carlisle, Bella, I was married to another man named Charles. He was an … exacting man," Esme paused and Carlisle slipped his arms around her.

"I suppose you can see from my arms what happened … I was too afraid to leave, desperately certain that Charles would find me even if I tried. Besides, I had nowhere to go … Then I felt like such a coward for _not_ leaving that I felt as if I _deserved_ the pain."

Carlisle's arms tightened around Esme.

"I finally found the will to run when I discovered I was pregnant with my first child."

Everyone sat frozen and horrified as they listened to Esme's story. Bella's eyes had become so wide they looked like burnt holes in her pale face.

"I actually met Carlisle when I was a teenager… I had fallen out of a tree and I broke my leg. He set it for me," Esme smiled softly at the memory.

"I think I fell in love with him then … but he moved to a different hospital before I could ask him to marry me," she laughed slightly and Carlisle gave a shattered smile.

Edward got the feeling Carlisle blamed himself for Esme's marriage to Charles. If only he had not transferred…

"Something of the serene strength that I always associated with Carlisle came to me over the next few months as I got rounder with pregnancy and used every trick in the book to stay hidden from Charles," Esme said peacefully.

"It was as if he was walking right beside me all through those months. I was happier than I had been in so long …" Her voice trailed off.

"My son only lived for two days," Esme whispered in a stark voice. "There were … complications … because of Charles's treatment of me that made him sick."

Esme fell silent and Edward looked around at his family.

Alice was crying softly. Jasper had pulled her into his lap and was rhythmically stroking her back. Jasper's face was pale and his eyes were clamped shut. Emmett's fists were clenched, and Edward felt certain that if Charles had been in the room right at that moment, he would have been dead in less than a heartbeat. Rosalie, who had been so confident that what Bella needed to do was _talk_ … looked almost ashamed as she realized how painful telling one's story can be.

"I named him Carlisle … Carlisle Cullen Platt … I wanted him to be at peace like I had been at peace on that examining table in that small hospital room so long ago."

Esme stopped for a moment before continuing, "I buried him on a green hill next to the ocean … That evening I jumped off a cliff."

"No!" gasped Rosalie.

"Yes," said Esme sadly. "I don't know how I managed not to kill myself. The cliff was not as tall as I thought, so that might explain it … All I know is that I only broke my leg again. When I woke up from the anesthesia, Carlisle was standing right next to me … I thought I was dreaming."

They shared a small smile before Esme spoke again, "Carlisle protected me while I got a divorce from Charles. Then we married," she concluded simply.

Very slowly, Esme reached out and cupped her hand around Bella's cheek. "Bella, I want you to know something that has taken me a lifetime to learn. Are you listening?"

Bella nodded, her eyes wide in her pale face.

"We are only responsible for our own souls … for the choices we ourselves make. No one _forced_ your step-father to hurt your mother. No one _forced_ your mother to murder your step-father. No one _forced_ me to stay with Charles. No one _forced_ me to leave. No one _forced_ me to jump off that cliff. They were choices each of us made. You – Bella Swan – are whole and complete inside your own heart. _You_ have to decide how you're going to act in spite of what has happened to you."

Bella, perhaps thinking that Esme was chastising her for letting her fear paralyze her, mouthed, "I'm sorry" again.

"No, Bella," said Esme, smiling gently. "Fear can cause us to act in terrible ways … You might feel that you should have flung yourself between your mother and your step-father. Your fear stopped you from doing so. But you know what I think? However much you might not realize it, I think your love for you mother stopped you too."

Bella looked shocked.

"Bella, why did you stop talking?" asked Esme gently.

Bella looked down at her legs and shrugged. Edward wasn't sure, but he thought she knew, and just didn't want to say.

"How would your mother have felt if she heard you crying when you were hurt by him?" asked Esme.

Bella lifted her eyes in surprise.

"If you had flung yourself between your stepfather and your mother the way you seem to think you _should_ have, your mother would have suffered a pain far worse than she felt even when your step-father was hitting her. But your step-father hurt you too … And you never wanted your mother to know, so you stopped talking … You stopped making any sound at all."

Tears were slowly sliding down Bella's frail cheeks.

"You did protect your mother, Bella – in the only way you knew how. You made a choice in the face of your fear – a choice prompted by love. And you have done nothing but show that same kind of love ever since you came to this family," finished Esme softly.

Sobbing, Bella reached out for Esme, who held her until her cries finally stopped.

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_But at least one thing is sure. By starving themselves, anorexics are speaking symbolically, and by trying above all else to make them start eating again, their families are in their own fashion speaking back the same way. Far beneath the issue of food there are, on both sides, unspoken issues of love, trust, fear, loss, separation. Father and mother, brother and sister, they are all of them afflicted together, acting out in pantomime a complex, subterranean drama whose nature they are at best only dimly aware of. And so, one way or another, are we all…_

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	9. Chapter 9

**A/N Okay, this chapter is a bit weird.... It deals a lot more closely with what's going on with everyone, but most of it is coming directly from Edward's perceptions, and even his impressions aren't always right. Right now he's very confused, and I hope that his mindset comes across in the dialogue.. Poor Edward just wants to help (and understand) everyone... but I don't think he can all the time. So don't trust everything he says in this section, especially since a lot of what he says is rather disjointed. :o)**

**I also have a moment between Alice and Jasper. It was a difficult section to write, but I hope everyone enjoys it.**

**Oh, and at the very end, pay attention to what Bella does to Emmett. I wrote the section with you in mind, Lil Dinky, since you're always so prepared to review what happens with Emmett! :o) **

**Please review! I'll give you an apple pie (I'm from the South... it seems appropriate). :o)**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight. **

**Chapter Nine: Aftermath**

In the aftermath of Esme's revelations Edward was so convinced that Bella would talk that he waited hourly for it. As the days passed and there was no sign that she would, he became frustrated and confused.

______________________________________________________________________________

_People talking without speaking,_

_People hearing without listening…_

______________________________________________________________________________

One evening he went to Carlisle's office to ask him about it. He was reading a medical journal at his desk and Esme was with him. She was curled up in one of Carlisle's leather chairs, looking at wallpaper samples for their bedroom.

"Carlisle," Edward asked tentatively. "Why isn't Bella talking yet? I thought for sure once Esme … told her story that she would."

"Edward," he sighed. "When Bella was first examined she was diagnosed with a rare disorder called psychogenic aphonia. In her case, it is psychologically induced muteness. I didn't know much about it before I came into contact with Bella, so I have had to do a bit of study on the disease. It's what I'm doing right now, actually," he admitted in a tired voice, gesturing to the journal in his lap.

Edward could only imagine how exhausted Carlisle must be after coming in from a shift at the emergency room knowing that he still needed to study up on the psychological problems of his children.

"Usually the disorder arises because of physiological problems involving the larynx or other muscles surrounding the larynx," he said. He folded the medical journal and placed it on his desk. He leaned forward in his chair and looked at Edward intensely.

"Those problems can be exacerbated by psychological ones, however. In scenarios such as these, the patients may suffer from a kind of social anxiety disorder. They may find it difficult to speak about conflicts and feelings, and they follow social conventions to an excessive extent in a desperate attempt to allay feelings of stress and tension. It is as if they believe that if they follow the rules ordering a given situation perfectly, then they will be able to eradicate any stress that may arise from it. In these cases, patients may also react aggressively towards themselves rather than towards others because they are too quick to take the blame for problems that may arise in their relationships with people," he continued.

Carlisle smiled sadly at him and said, "Bella's case is extremely unusual. Most patients who suffer from this kind of disease are at least able to whisper, cough, grunt or moan. Bella is unable or perhaps unwilling to communicate at all. Furthermore, while she does show signs of stress and anxiety in large groups – understandable given her background – she seems to trust us, especially you, Edward. I just don't see the kind of self-blame or anxiety in her actions towards us that is associated with other patients who have this disease."

"She did blame herself for what happened to her mother," Edward pointed out softly.

Carlisle sighed and said, "True, but, again, that is an extremely unusual situation. She seems to only blame herself for that one thing. She just doesn't seem to show _broader_ aspects of social anxiety disorder. Furthermore, she's tense around others for a very specific reason. I'm assuming that it's because she doesn't want someone to hit her again. Those who suffer from a social anxiety disorder fear much more nebulous things: saying the wrong thing, being caught in an embarrassing situation…. "

Carlisle moved his hands in a gesture of helplessness and finished, "Because of the severity of her situation, Bella may never be able to get around what caused her to stop speaking. She is in counseling and in speech therapy, but it may take Bella years to fully work through what happened in her past."

"Edward," said Esme softly. "It took me ten years before I was able to speak of Charles to anyone but Carlisle. I imagine it will take Rosalie just as long to talk about what happened to her the night her parents died. Give Bella _time_."

"It's just…" he began, "She seems so much more willing to _trust _people than anyone else in this house that I thought … she would be talking by now."

"What do you mean, son?" asked Carlisle.

"Well … none of the others really trusts anyone, except maybe Emmett. Rosalie really _did_ hate herself when she came here… The starvation and the cuts…. And it made her hate everyone around her… Rosalie doesn't _want _to trust people, and Jasper is _afraid_ to trust people. Alice is afraid too, I think," he said.

He pinched the bridge of his nose for a few moments before he concluded bitterly, "And I think Rosalie blames herself for what happened to her, just like Jasper blames himself for not being able to protect her … And Emmett blames himself for not being able to take care for his brothers … and Alice blames herself for causing her mother to abandon her … And that blame causes each of us to pull back from those around us. We seem unable to reach out … to admit why we're angry … "

He glanced up and saw that Carlisle and Esme looked very sad.

"Well, do you really blame us?" he asked cynically.

Carlisle ran his hand through his hair and asked tiredly, "What can we do to help, Edward? Do you and the others need more counseling? Something different?"

"Carlisle, some of us have been in counseling for years and I can't see how it's helped much. Alice still can't face getting close to anyone. Oh, she seems happpy enough – but I don't think, for all her energy, that she allows anyone to get close to her. Jasper loves Alice and Rosalie and no one else. I think Rosalie is only just now beginning to understand why she behaved the way she did when she first came to us..." he said in a resigned voice.

"Emmett is the only one who doesn't seem to blame himself and who is still able to trust. But since I've never _talked_ with him about it, I can only guess. Who knows what will happen now that he's lost contact with his last brother," he said bitterly.

Esme came and put her arm around Edward's shoulders.

"Bella was just able to get Rosalie to _talk_ about it for once at Thanksgiving. And you know what I think? I think she did more good than a hundred counseling sessions when she told Rosalie she wished she could be strong like her…. And she's the only one who really addressed the issue when Emmett got his package returned last week. I mean... we all tried, but there's only so much I can do... And Emmett just .... Rosalie doesn't... " he finished, frustrated at his inability to explain what he meant.

Esme sighed and said, "Rosalie and Emmett need time, just like all of you need time. Healing doesn't happen overnight. If what you're saying is true, then Bella has been a catalyst the past few weeks for healing…."

Carlisle added, "Healing can sometimes come from unusual places. And you would be surprised at how often it is echoed between people. You may think that Bella is helping Rosalie. But in the process of helping Rosalie, Bella may be helped as well."

"Give it time and see what happens," said Esme softly.

Edward nodded in frustration and said goodnight.

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_People writing songs that voices never share…_

_____________________________________________________________________________

He was walking through the kitchen when he heard voices in the living room.

"Jasper, would you _please_ just leave me alone!" said Alice in an irritated voice.

Edward stumbled back. He had _never_ heard Alice speak in that tone of voice before.

"Alice, just _tell_ me," said Jasper fiercely.

Edward stopped. He shifted his feet, but he couldn't get upstairs without walking through the living room.

"_Alright_," she hissed. There was a moment of silence.

"I'm just upset about what Esme told us," she said.

Edward sighed. Esme's story had affected more of them than just Bella.

"Alice, that isn't all of it, and you know it," said Jasper severely. "Now, _what_ is going on? Why are you so angry and upset?"

He paused for the briefest moment. "Why won't you let me help you?" he asked sadly.

"I don't know!" she almost shouted. "I just know that I came here, and I was happy! I went to school, I went shopping and I helped Esme… I didn't want or need anything else…." Her voice got softer near the end, before it just trailed off.

"What are you saying, Alice?" asked Jasper in a frustrated voice. "That you don't need anything but school and shopping to make you happy? Or wait… is it that you're fine as long as you don't have to hear the skeletons in anyone's closets? Are you happy as long as everyone around you is happy, as long as they don't bother you with their problems? Or is it that you don't _need_ any help at all? Do you not need _me_?"

Edward had never heard Jasper say so much before. He was always the quiet one -- always the one watching. But now it was as if he had come uncorked.

"No!" hissed Alice. "You don't understand at all!"

"Then tell me, Alice," retorted Jasper. "I can't read your mind!"

"I did tell you! I. Don't. Know!" raged Alice.

Jasper strode forcefully over to Alice and grabbed her shoulders.

"Alice, I need to know what you're thinking. I need to know why you're afraid. Please talk to me… not about shopping or school or anything else. Talk to me about _you _… for once," he said in a surprisingly gentle voice.

Alice stood stiffly for a moment before she crumpled against Jasper and starting crying.

"I really don't know, Jasper," she whispered. "I don't analyze everything like Edward does. I just know that being around Rosalie and Bella, and now Esme, makes me feel … afraid, I guess."

Jasper stroked Alice's back and said, "I don't understand."

"Even after everything that has happened to them, they can still, I don't know, have faith in the people around them. Rosalie already loves Emmett. She would stake her life on the fact that he loves her and won't leave her...."

Edward silently conceded Alice's point. Maybe Rosalie was healing more than he thought if she had been able to bring herself to trust Emmett

"And Bella…. I don't know what she's been through, but it was horrible, whatever it was. And she loves Edward."

Edward went absolutely still when Alice said that.

He was so shocked that he almost missed Jasper's response, "You can trust me, Alice. I won't leave you."

"I know," she said. "But it scares me that you might."

Edward knew, although Alice probably didn't yet, that Jasper _couldn't _leave Alice. He had to protect her. He was afraid of something happening to Alice … like what had happened to Rosalie… and Esme. She was so small…

Edward even wondered if Esme's story had made him more paranoid, knowing that pain, abuse and abandonment had occurred in the life of one more person he loved, and that there had been nothing he could do to stop it.

Alice didn't just need to talk to Jasper. Jasper needed to talk to Alice.

"I _can't_ leave you, Alice," Jasper whispered. "I love you."

Alice was silent for a moment before she murmured, "I love you too."

Jasper was silent for several minutes, just rubbing Alice's back in soothing circles.

"You've kept me waiting a long time," Jasper said contentedly.

"I'm sorry, sir," said Alice with one of her tinkling laughs. Then she danced up the stairs with Jasper close behind her.

They were holding hands.

______________________________________________________________________________

_And no one dared_

_Disturb the sound of silence…_

_____________________________________________________________________________

Edward went upstairs a few minutes later, deep in thought.

He wanted to see Bella.

He peeked into the girls' room, but it was empty. He thought that Rosalie was probably down in the garage, and he didn't even want to _think_ about where Alice and Jasper were at the moment.

He finally found Bella in the boys' room, watching Emmett play Halo. She was curled up on the floor, with her arms around her knees.

"Come on, Bella," wheedled Emmett. "Don't you want to play?"

Bella just grinned and shook her head. She wrote on her tablet, "_I like to watch you play, big brother!_"

So many emotions passed through Emmett's eyes when he saw the words that Edward had trouble identifying them…. Happiness? Exhilaration? Tenderness? Protectiveness? A sense of belonging? He looked changed somehow… At peace now that he had Bella to protect and Rosalie to love…

While Edward was thinking, she looked up and saw him in the doorway. Her smile became shy and her face flushed.

He continued to stare at her, memorizing every feature of her face. He smiled and sat down next to her.

She really was his sunshine.


	10. Chapter 10

**A/N Okay everyone... This story is wrapping up. It should only have one more chapter after this. Please let me know what you think! I want to make sure that I tie everything up properly -- comments are appreciated! :o)**

**There's more about Rosalie and Jasper (because I can't get enough of them! :o)**

**This chapter is dedicated to SweetSouthernGirl -- who has always reviewed so faithfully. Thank you! :o) **

**Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight. **

**Chapter Ten: School Day**

It was several weeks after Esme's revelation and things had finally settled down. As far as Edward could tell, Alice was learning to trust Jasper, just as Rosalie was learning to trust Emmett.

Emmett was reaching a kind of equilibrium as Bella's adopted big brother. He was discovering a new center from which he could orient himself as Rosalie's boyfriend, Bella's big brother, Carlisle and Esme's son… He wasn't (and could never be) happy as just, plain Emmett. He needed a title: big brother, son, boyfriend … and their family provided that.

Edward was still worried about Jasper, but he was trying to take Esme's words to heart. Give him time….

______________________________________________________________________________

"_Fools" said I, "You do not know_

_Silence like a cancer grows…_

______________________________________________________________________________

He looked over at Bella as they walked to school. It was her first day and the least observant out of all of them could tell that she was nervous.

Her eyes were huge and her face was pale.

"Don't be worried Bella," he said. "Alice or I are in most of your classes. We'll help you."

She smiled faintly and then squared her shoulders.

______________________________________________________________________________

_Went to school and I was very nervous  
No one knew me, no one knew me…_

__________________________________________________________________________________  
_

He rushed to meet her after gym – the only class she didn't share with either Alice or Edward. She wasn't outside the gym waiting for him like she was supposed to be. He paced for several minutes … It wasn't like he could just _walk_ into the girls' locker room.

He sighed in relief when he saw Alice and Jasper sprinting towards him.

"Is she not out yet?" she called out in a worried voice. Edward shook my head, beginning to feel slightly panicked.

Alice ran into the locker room. It was silent for a few brief, tense seconds, and then Edward heard her voice rise in a furious anger. Jasper rushed in with Edward close behind.

Bella was huddled next to a bathroom stall, clutching her knees to her chest, her eyes rimmed in an opaque, animal fear.

"Bella," Edward crooned sorrowfully.

She drew even further into herself.

He started humming, "You are my sunshine, my only sunshine. You make me happy when skies are gray…"

Edward could see Jasper silently beating the snot out of someone from his peripheral vision (Or was it more than one person? He couldn't tell). Alice had run to get a teacher.

There was suddenly a tense silence, against which Edward's humming sounded loud and harsh. He turned his head slightly and saw Jasper breathing heavily next to a boy who Edward recognized but didn't know the name.

He was sitting with a dazed expression on the ground, while another girl with curly red hair sat next to him. Jasper looked at Edward and his eyes blazed with a harsh rage that burned the opaque sheen that normally shielded them.

Alice breathlessly rushed in followed closely by the principle of the school.

"And I came in and James and Victoria were scaring Bella and I started yelling at them and Bella was afraid and I don't know why they were teasing Bella and Jasper and Edward came in…" babbled Alice. She took a deep breath and asked Edward in a worried voice, "Is she going to be okay?'

He gazed down at Bella. She was at least breathing more slowly, but he saw the raw edge of fear and panic in her eyes.

"I don't know, Alice" he replied softly.

As he was speaking, he felt something touch his hand. He looked down and saw that Bella was softly stroking his hand. Her face was still very pale, but she was herself again. The animal fear was gone.

The principle was talking sternly to James and Victoria. They looked angry, but they walked out of the bathroom after he dealt out what Edward could only assume were their punishments.

Edward saw Victoria glance briefly at Bella before leaving. And Bella – stunning Edward into silence – gave her a small, apologetic smile.

He glanced up and saw that Jasper was just as shocked as he was. Of _course_ Bella would be apologetic… She never did what anyone expected.

So Edward, trying to give them the benefit of the doubt, supposed that James and Victoria _could_ have done something so minor to set her off – just touching her would have done it. For all her bravery, Bella was still very fragile around people she didn't know. But, on the other hand, if it was something minor, then why was James in the girls' locker room in the first place?

The principle turned to Jasper. "Jasper, I'm sorry because I know this is a situation which you really weren't able to help, but I'm going to have to suspend you for the rest of the week. I warned you after your last fight that I would do so," he said.

Jasper nodded, and the principle, seeing the anger that still burned in Jasper's eyes, mumbled a bit and then hastily exited the locker room.

Edward felt Bella stir a bit on the ground. She looked at Jasper and made a motion with her hands.

"I don't understand, Bella," he said.

Then she tiredly made a writing motion with her hand, and Alice scrambled to get Bella her tablet and pencil. Slowly Bella wrote, "_Thank you, Jasper, for fighting for me. I'm sorry you got into trouble. You saved me._"

Jasper just stared at the ashy, gray words messily written on common, yellow tablet paper.

After several minutes of just gazing at the words on the paper, he knelt down.

His face was rigid, so Edward was surprised when he saw a sheen of liquid across his normally opaque eyes. Jasper didn't cry, but he stroked Bella's cheek gently.

He stood up, took Alice's hand, and walked out of the bathroom.

Just before he turned around, Edward saw … something …. reflected in his eyes for the first time. He could only guess at what it was… Freedom? Hope? Release? Maybe some combination of all three?

______________________________________________________________________________

_Hello teacher tell me what's my lesson…  
Look right through me, look right through me…_

________________________________________________________________________________

Then Bella took Edward's hand. They stood up and left the locker room.

Bella was pretty weak from her ordeal, so Emmett carried her home, his stern face daring anyone to question his new-found role as Bella's big brother.

Alice stepped lightly between Emmett and Jasper, reaching up every now and then to stroke Bella's hair. Her eyes were peaceful, but also puzzled. She had noticed the change in Jasper, but didn't quite understand how it had come about.

Edward felt almost certain that they would be talking this evening. The thought made him happy.

Rosalie walked just next to Emmett, muttering darkly about getting revenge on anyone who hurt Bella. Bella smiled gently at the vehemence in Rosalie's voice, and Edward thought, yet again, that Bella was bringing out the generous side in Rose.

Maybe Rosalie was learning that her mad fight against the world had been a mad fight against People. Rosalie had a stereotype in her mind about what "people" _are _based on what happened to her in Mexico City. Edward thought she expected that everyone outside of her immediate circle would act just as viciously as they did.

But Bella was blowing those biased preconceptions to bits. Because she rarely reacted in a predictable way in most circumstances, Rosalie was being forced to consider Bella (and, by extension, other people) on their own individual terms.

It was the same with Jasper. Despite what she came from, Bella was able to deal with James and Victoria on a level that admitted the possibility of forgiveness and humanity. She seemed to instinctively feel that not all men are monsters.

Not everyone is part of a mob. Not everyone is a murderer. Not everyone is a rapist.

Seeing someone who came from such a background still be able to believe in such things had its own effect on Jasper. His step was light and Edward never saw that opaque gleam come back into his eyes on the entire way home.

______________________________________________________________________________

"_Hear my words that I might teach you,_

_Take my arms that I might reach you."_

______________________________________________________________________________


	11. Chapter 11

**A/N I never really intended to make this story very long, so this is the last chapter. However, once school is over, I might be able to do a sequel, if the time to do so appears. :o) I know I haven't answered _all _the questions, but that's for you, my readers, to handle! Continue the story in your own minds. :o) **

**I'm leaving what James and Victoria did to Bella ambiguous. Bella seems to think whatever happened was innocent or accidental. Was it? You decide. **

**If you would like to see some more of my writing that is not on this site, go to Blindingfirefly's page. We're publishing a story together called "Ivy Tree." It's a _freakin'_ good story (even better than this one, I think), in my humble (yet accurate) opinion. I hope everyone will go see it. Please! :o)**

**I've tried to answer a few questions about Edward's background. I originally tried to keep to the book and have his parents die of illness, but it just didn't work. Medicine in 1918 is just too different from medicine in 2009. **

**I also realize that Edward is slightly out of character in this chapter in that he is absolutely focused on paying attention to the people around him, whereas in the books he has a tad bit of a selfish streak. I understand that in the books Bella catapults him (to some extent) out of that, but in this story, he's already moving beyond his focus on himself even before Bella arrives. It worked better this way for the purposes of my story though. I hope that the differences in his character are not too jarring (As I've said before OOCness _really_ gets on my nerves, even when it emphasizes positive aspects of a character's personality. I would rather have them portrayed with their sins and leave their character intact). **

**I suppose, come to think of it, that all of my characters are a little OOC because they're responding to things that they never did in the books.... I guess what I tried to do was take what I knew of them and have them react in my story within the parameter sets by SM. Alice is probably the most unlike the books, but again, I've tried to have her react in ways the would work within her essential character. I know some people who would say that Rosalie in this fic is the most different, but I've been championing Rosalie all along, so you know I'll disagree. :o)**

**This chapter is dedicated to a bunch of people...**

**To Jennie -- May you have bright sunshine for the rest of your life (and the ability to handle very large cows...)**

**To Lil' Dinky -- May your life with your family be blessed**

**To Katie -- who could not be a better sister**

**And to my Mother. **

**Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight. **

**Chapter Eleven: Healing**

Esme gasped when she saw Emmett carrying Bella into the house.

"What happened?" she said, her voice worried. Carlisle walked swiftly out of the study at the sound of Esme's voice. He looked at Bella in Emmett's arms.

"Does she need me?" he asked.

"We're not really sure, actually…" began Alice.

"What did James and Victoria do?" Edward asked Bella urgently.

Emmett settled her on the couch and Rosalie brought Bella her tablet from off the kitchen table. Jake came and laid his head beside Bella's lap.

"_Nothing really... Victoria touched me when I was changing after gym… I don't know if it was an accident or not … but she started laughing when I flinched … and then James came in when she called him. I got scared. I was so stupid. I'm sorry for making everyone upset_," she concluded simply.

"Oh Bella! Please don't apologize!" said Esme, hugging her.

"I think she did it on purpose," Rosalie muttered. Alice (shocking Edward slightly, since she wasn't usually vindictive) nodded in agreement. Of course, Bella would think it was an accident.

"I just wish you hadn't been scared," said Edward, pacing and pinching the bridge of his nose.

Bella was still for a moment, and then she wrote, "_But I __will__ get scared sometimes, Edward_. _You can't keep trying to keep everyone from being afraid._"

"What do you mean?" asked Edward, stopping his agitated pacing.

"_You worry constantly. I'm not stupid. I've seen it_," she wrote slowly, meticulously trying to convey her thoughts in neat handwriting so that Edward would understand.

"_What are you so worried about?_" she persisted.

Edward glanced up in consternation and saw everyone looking at him intently.

"I just …. I don't know…." he said helplessly.

______________________________________________________________________________

"_So then, putting away falsehood, let all of us speak the truth to our neighbors, for we are members of one another," says the author of Ephesians… And that is the heart of the matter…._

________________________________________________________________________________

"_That's not good enough, Edward_," wrote Bella, gently taking his hand.

"I just …. I just get so angry…. At everything that happened to all of us…. Rosalie … _shouldn't_ have us watching her every bite at dinner … Emmett _shouldn't_ watch the mail every day…. Jasper _shouldn't _be so silent …. Alice _shouldn't_ have to wear costumes and masks … Esme _shouldn't_ have scars … Carlisle _shouldn't _have been abandoned….You _shouldn't_ be mute" he broke off, and took a deep breath.

"_And your parents shouldn't have died?_" guessed Bella.

"No, they shouldn't have!" Edward said harshly. He rubbed his nose again. "They should never have gotten in that car. Even at six I knew that ice and beer didn't mix..."

Edward was silent for a long time. He looked at Bella said in a painful, childklike whisper, "And then no one wanted me. I had no close relatives... No one who _could_ take care of me... And then no one who _would_. And I never wanted to be like that. I never wanted to be so focused on my own life that I missed..." his voice trailed off.

Bella stood up next to him, and took his hand.

"And I'm so afraid, after everything that has happened to us, what if we become _like _the people who hurt us, abandoned us? What if we retreat into ourselves, never speaking, never sharing … never trusting…. What if that twists around in us and becomes something hideous … monstrous?" said Edward fiercely.

He looked at Rosalie, Emmett, Jasper, Alice, Carlisle, Esme, Bella…

______________________________________________________________________________

"_I need you." "I need to be myself." "I am afraid." "I am angry." "I am in pain." "Hear me." "Help me." "Let me try to help you." "Let us love one another." If we would only speak the truth to one another – parents and children, friends and enemies, husbands and wives, strangers and lovers – we would no longer have to act out our deepest feelings in symbols that none of us understand… _

________________________________________________________________________________

"I'm not stupid, Edward," said Rosalie bluntly. "Do you honestly think I didn't know what you and Jasper and Carlisle were doing when you gave me the cars to take care of?"

Edward shook his head numbly.

"Edward, even though none of us admit sometimes what we are afraid of, we still reach out to each other in other ways," said Alice.

Edward was surprised she spoke up. She rarely contributed to these kinds of serious conversations.

"Jasper has showed me that he loves me even without speaking. So have Esme and Carlisle – we couldn't have come to a better place," she concluded.

She smiled up at Jasper and took his hand.

"Yeah, Carlisle and Esme have helped us in more ways than one," Emmett added, grinning. "Besides all the serious stuff, without them, I would never have met Rose!"

"And just in case you would like for us to say what we feel out loud," began Jasper softly, speaking to Edward. "I feel very … comfortable here at your house, Esme and Carlisle. Thank you," he said, looking at them. "I trust you, Edward … and Emmett. And I love you, Alice." He looked at each one.

Finally, he brought his eyes to Rosalie.

"And I'm … sorry, Rosalie," he said in a raspy voice.

"For what?" gasped Rosalie.

"For not keeping you safe," he said. The muscles tensed in his face, but it didn't work. The tears fell anyway.

"Jasper Hale," said Rosalie in a fierce voice. "I never, _ever_ blamed you for what happened. And if you keep blaming yourself for it, I'm going to punch you into next week."

"And she could too," added Emmett helpfully.

"Are you hearing me clearly?" she asked.

Her words weren't the platitudes he was expecting, but it worked. Jasper gulped and nodded. Rosalie walked over and hugged Jasper. Edward almost missed her whisper, "I love you."

Edward never heard her brother's response, but the opaque shield in Jasper's eyes cleared. Jasper pulled back and took a deep breath. Alice took his hand again.

Bella wrote on her tablet, "_Satisfied Edward?_"

Carlisle, Esme, Alice, Jasper, Emmett, Rosalie and Edward all laughed. Just as they were calming down to breathe again, Emmett asked Esme what was for dinner, which just set everyone off again.

Edward collapsed on the couch next to Bella, chuckling.

Beneath the loud hilarity going on around him, he could just barely hear Bella humming in a thin, reedy voice, "You are my sunshine, my only sunshine…."

______________________________________________________________________________

_In our sickness, stubbornness, pride, we starve ourselves for what we hunger for above all else. "Speaking the truth in love" is another phrase from Ephesians… It is the only cure for the anorexia that afflicts us all._

_____________________________________________________________________________


	12. Chapter 12

**A/N This is just a copy of all the lyrics and the text that I used. I thought it would help if you could read the whole thing instead of piecemeal in the story, especially the essay. Enjoy!**

**Disclaimer: I so don't own any of this. **

"Mad World" by Gary Jules

All around me are familiar faces  
Worn out places, worn out faces  
Bright and early for their daily races  
Going nowhere, going nowhere  
Their tears are filling up their glasses  
No expression, no expression  
Hide my head I want to drown my sorrow  
No tomorrow, no tomorrow

And I find it kind of funny  
I find it kind of sad  
The dreams in which I'm dying  
Are the best I've ever had  
I find it hard to tell you  
I find it hard to take  
When people run in circles  
It's a very, very mad world mad world

Children waiting for the day they feel good  
Happy Birthday, Happy Birthday  
Made to feel the way that every child should  
Sit and listen, sit and listen  
Went to school and I was very nervous  
No one knew me, no one knew me  
Hello teacher tell me what's my lesson  
Look right through me, look right through me

And I find it kind of funny  
I find it kind of sad  
The dreams in which I'm dying  
Are the best I've ever had  
I find it hard to tell you  
I find it hard to take  
When people run in circles  
It's a very, very mad world ... world  
Enlarge your world  
Mad world

"Anorexia" by Frederick Buechner from _Beyond Words_

Nothing for breakfast. A diet soda for lunch. Maybe a little lettuce with low-calorie dressing for supper. Or once in a while, when everybody has gone to bed, a binge on ice cream, which you get rid of in the bathroom later. Relentless exercise. Obsession with food, cooking great quantities of it for everybody except yourself. In time, you come to look like a victim of Dachau – the sunken eyes and hollow cheeks, the marionette arms and calfless legs… If you are told that your life is in jeopardy, it makes no difference, because not even dying is as fearsome as getting fat, a view that the combined industries of fashion, dietetic food, and advertising all endorse.

In every respect but this, you may be as sane as everybody else. In this, you are mad as a hatter.

Anorexia seems to be a modern disease, but old phrases like "pining away" and "wasting away" suggest that it may have been around unnamed for a long time. Nobody seems to know what it's all about, though there are endless theories. Young anorexics want to strike free of parental control, they say, and where does it assume a more elemental form than in "take a bite for Mummy, a bite for Daddy"? So that is where they draw the battle line. The more desperately they are urged to eat, the more desperately they resist. Their bodies are their last citadel, and they are prepared to defend them literally to the death.

Yet, on the other side of it, of course, they desperately need Mummy and Daddy and are scared stiff of the very independence they are fighting to achieve. The craving to be free and independent... The craving to be taken care of and safe... The magic of the sickness is that it meets both these cravings at once. By not eating you take your stand against a world that is telling you what to do. By not eating you make your body so much smaller, lighter, weaker that in effect it becomes a child's body again, and the world flocks to your rescue. Is something like this at the heart of it?

Most anorexics are young women. Feeling that a male-dominated world has given them no models for what full womanhood means, do they believe that the golden key to that Wonderland garden is to make themselves as little as Alice had to in order to pass through the tiny curtained door? Who can say for sure?

But at least one thing is sure. By starving themselves, anorexics are speaking symbolically, and by trying above all else to make them start eating again, their families are in their own fashion speaking back the same way. Far beneath the issue of food there are, on both sides, unspoken issues of love, trust, fear, loss, separation. Father and mother, brother and sister, they are all of them afflicted together, acting out in pantomime a complex, subterranean drama whose nature they are at best only dimly aware of. And so, one way or another, are we all.

"So then, putting away falsehood, let all of us speak the truth to our neighbors, for we are members of one another," says the author of Ephesians… And that is the heart of the matter.

"I need you." "I need to be myself." "I am afraid." "I am angry." "I am in pain." "Hear me." "Help me." "Let me try to help you." "Let us love one another." If we would only speak the truth to one another – parents and children, friends and enemies, husbands and wives, strangers and lovers – we would no longer have to act out our deepest feelings in symbols that none of us understand.

In our sickness, stubbornness, pride, we starve ourselves for what we hunger for above all else. "Speaking the truth in love" is another phrase from Ephesians… It is the only cure for the anorexia that afflicts us all."

**The Sound Of Silence by Simon and Garfunkel**

Hello darkness, my old friend, I've come to talk with you again  
Because a vision softly creeping, left its seeds while I was sleeping  
And the vision that was planted in my brain, still remains  
Within the sound of silence

In restless dreams I walked alone, narrow streets of cobblestone  
Neath the halo of a streetlamp, I turned my collar to the cold and damp  
When my eyes were stabbed by the flash of a neon light, split the night  
And touched the sound of silence

And in the naked light I saw, ten thousand people, maybe more  
People talking without speaking, people hearing without listening  
People writing songs that voices never shared, and no one dared  
To stir the sound of silence

Fool, said I, you do not know, silence, like a cancer, grows  
Hear my words and I might teach you, take my arms then I might reach you  
But my words, like silent raindrops fell, and echoed in the wells of silence

And the people bowed and prayed to the neon god they'd made  
And the sign flashed its warning in the words that it was forming  
And the sign said the words of the prophets are written on the subway walls  
And tenement halls, and whispered in the sounds of silence


End file.
